My One-Eighty

So I have been talking to this guy online for about a month and a half. He lives a couple hours away, but said he was good with coming here to visit. We had a coffee date set up for a Sunday but then he "had to" bail at the last minute. So, we rescheduled for the following weekend. It was his weekend to have his son, but his ex always picked the kiddo up on Sunday morning, so he was still good to come visit. On Saturday, he texted to tell me that his ex asked him to keep the kiddo until Tuesday, so the date was off again. Then he went silent for a day. I texted him in the morning and then once again in the evening hoping that everything was ok.  The next day, he said that he had been in a bad headspace that day and just didn't feel like talking. I said, yeah, I get that, but if you're going to go silent, I would appreciate it if you just sent a text saying you weren't up to talking so I would know what's up. As we were talking, it turns out that he has social ...

It's been a bit since I have posted again. Things are in that swingy state where they are either going great and I'm not thinking of writing, or I'm struggling hard and can't motivate myself to write. But today, I am here at the library, in my reserved room I use for my zoom support group. Once again, it has been cancelled. Group starts at 5, so I take a half hour lunch and leave work early to be on time. An email was sent out at 4:56. The facilitator is feeling under the weather. Odds are, they have been feeling under the weather all day. Four minutes notice is unacceptable. This is the third one she has cancelled our missed in five weeks. Obvioiusly it's not as important to her as it has been to me. I love some of the people I have met through the group, but I may have to just quit going. So, I decided to spend my time looking for therapists again. I have emailed three more that are trauma focused. It is a failing of the system that finding a therapist is such a...

So, work is great. I feel supported by managers and appreciated by my team. I am respected by my peers and my job gives plenty to do, things to learn, opportunities to be creative, and I'm damn good at it. In the professional aspect of my life, I am successful. But now I have to find a new balance. When my job was shit and I was completely miserable, it was draining but it was not a focus. I didn't have to work on it because it was a shit job, it had always been a shit job (even when I didn't know it yet), and it would always be a shit job. I just did the things and then I tried to forget about it for 15.5 hours when it would start over again. I focused on my health, my relationships, and even a little bit on me. Relationships top the list of my personal values and I doubt I will ever not be focused on them. My people mean the world to me. They rejuvinate me when I'm weary and worn. They lift and support me when I'm low. They share my joy in my victories. When I c...

I've tried to write three or four times over the past few days, but I just couldn't find my rhythm. DJ asked if I had tried writing about good things. Seriously? It never occurred to me to write about good things. I write to process the things I am struggling with. So why should I write about good things? Well, because I struggle to process good things, too. When bad things happen and I'm struggling to cope with them, I have no trouble acknowledging that things are not going well or accepting that I fucked up. I expect things to go that way.  But when good things happen, I tend to dismiss them as luck. And while I try to enjoy them in the moment, in the back of my mind, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When anything goes wrong, I immediately accept the blame. I must have fucked something up. Enough people have gaslit me to the point that I fully understood not only was I to blame, I deserved any negative consequences that followed.  Being surrounded by a di...

Today was valentine's day. I knew it all day and it was a good day. I got some new jewelry from a gal at work who is cutting down her collection. Livi gave me a yellow rose and some dark chocolate caramels. DJ made what is quite possibly the best popcorn in the universe and saved half a bag for me. I went to my support group tonight. I hung out with DJ at the store while he was teaching a game.  All in all, it's been a good day. Livi and Anne both reminded me to practice self love today, but as Ash points out, it is still Single Person Awareness Day. I got home, put my rose in water, ate a caramel, and stayed to cry.  I know it's dumb. I have so much. I am surrounded by wonderful people who live and appreciate me, and will be there for me in any way they can.  So, why am I still grieving? I have friends I can confide in and trust. The only shortage in my life, besides money being tight, is physical contact. I get a couple hugs from DJ a week and a couple of hours of doggo...

 Daddy died in September 2021. Dan and I split that November. Ash and I got our own place. I posted my last blog in March 2022 when I got my tattoo. It's hard to get started again. I had a flow, a rhythm, a style, and a voice. I have been struggling to remember where I was then. I finally realized that none of that matters. I was a different person two years ago. It's not about where I was then, it's about where I am now. I quit blogging because I didn't want to inadvertently turn this into a bitter, my-ex-sucks rant or an oh-woe-is-me pity party. Not saying those things didn't happen, because they did. But nobody else needed to see that. At least that's what I was telling myself. I started this blog in December 2020 after my diagnoses of lymphedema and diabetes, at the recommendation of my diabetic educator. He pointed out that it obviously helped me to write out what I'm going through and there just aren't a lot of places online where people can find s...

I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It's not what you think. I'm so over 42. That's so 2018.  I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It can't be 42. I mean, I'm 47. I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Now, I just have to accept it. I finally watched Encanto the other night with my girls and my Cottage Cuties. It was a roller coaster of all the emotions and hit all the buttons. Then, the next night, I saw that Cinema Therapy had an Encanto episode, so I watched that, took notes, and then re-watched the movie. I did a little journaling to process the emotions I was feeling and I learned something big. When I first looked at the characters, I know everyone wants to talk about not talking about Bruno, because a lot of people relate to him. I mean, I like the character, but I don't see me there. I first connected with Mirabel, struggl...

Yesterday was an OK day on the surface, but underneath was too hard. Monday was also a great day, on a lot of levels, but also hard. Monday was Livi's family birthday. Payton and Amaya came up. Any time I have all three of my kids together, it is a great day. But it was also several hours spent with Dan. I thought that didn't bother me, as he didn't get on my nerves as bad as usual, but it seems that is its own, different type of problem.  Dan used salt when cooking supper but didn't measure it and didn't bother to tell me until after supper. Ash told me he felt bad about it - but I call bullshit on that. He sabotaged me when we were still together so it would be ridiculous to believe he cares more now that I am no longer his problem.  That upset me - mostly at myself - for not expecting it. I know I am an optimist. I hate that about myself. I want to think good things about people, even when they have shown me the flaw of that kind of thinking. Optimism? Stupidity?...

Do I have value? It seems like such an obvious answer. All people have value. I am a people, therefore I have value. Is that it? Is my only value that value intrinsic to me as a member of the human race? Does having involuntary muscle activity, such as breathing or a heartbeat, give me value? Only for the purposes of science. I am worthy. I have immense value.  My friends see my value. I am learning to see what they see.  I have been telling this to myself - no, I have been reading it out loud to myself - for several weeks now. DJ and I worked this out as an affirmation I could accept as the truth. DJ reminds me to read it often and I put it as the login screen on my laptop. I was reading it every time I woke up my laptop - which was two to three times a day until I got my company laptop. Now I only open my laptop a couple times a week. Certainly not enough to ingrain a new truth.  But the bigger problem was that even though I told DJ I could accept this as a truth, I lie...

It has been over a month now since Ash and I got a place of our own, leaving Dan and Livi in the old apartment. It has been a stretch. When I left, Dan and I were planning to re-evaluate when the old lease is up April 30, our 18th wedding anniversary. We were still planning to go to therapy and see if we could find a way to be on the same team again. Less than a week after I moved out, Dan told me he would not be joining me for therapy. He said it wasn't going to help. I really like our new place, but from an emotional standpoint, it's been a real mixed bag. The ambient stress level is so much lower for me now that Dan and I are not in the same place, I feel good about coming home in a way that I hadn't even realized I was missing. I miss my Dan. Not the guy who is there now, but the guy who promised not to let me drown the first week after he moved into my apartment when I was stressing about bills. The seahorse (stay-at-home-dad) who was the primary caregiver to our two t...

DJ was asking me some hard questions tonight. He likes to do that. He was asking me about what I deserve. He asked why I deserve to have people help me. I told him that I'm not sure I do. He asked if I deserve to be happy. I don't think so. So he asked if I deserve to be miserable. I told him I don't think I "deserve" to be happy OR miserable. He then asked why I deserve to be meh. He asked if I have the right to be happy. Words are powerful. They are important to me. If I am to figure out what I deserve or have a right to, first I have to come to terms with definitions. So many people say, "it's just semantics," as if the flavor and context of our language doesn't matter. But it does. Communication is vital. Semantics is one of my strengths. This is why I write. To share my ideas in a way that others can understand. I'll spend ten minutes agonizing over one word, to make sure it is just right, and lends the right air to my monologue. I am a ...