And now... everything else...

So, work is great. I feel supported by managers and appreciated by my team. I am respected by my peers and my job gives plenty to do, things to learn, opportunities to be creative, and I'm damn good at it. In the professional aspect of my life, I am successful. But now I have to find a new balance. When my job was shit and I was completely miserable, it was draining but it was not a focus. I didn't have to work on it because it was a shit job, it had always been a shit job (even when I didn't know it yet), and it would always be a shit job. I just did the things and then I tried to forget about it for 15.5 hours when it would start over again. I focused on my health, my relationships, and even a little bit on me. Relationships top the list of my personal values and I doubt I will ever not be focused on them. My people mean the world to me. They rejuvinate me when I'm weary and worn. They lift and support me when I'm low. They share my joy in my victories. When I changed jobs, I quit going to my support group for a while until I was settled in. I had to find a new therapist because my old was moving out of state and my insurance was changing. And I lost a lot of time. I know I have mentioned it in previous posts, but it's one of the big things that is challenging me right now. Before, I was taking big chunks of my time (some of it sick days), to prep meals and plan and budget and encourage good choices while making my bad choices harder to run with. It worked well for me and I did amazingly well, in spite of several layers of sabotage from both myself and others. But with less available time, I needed a new plan. I didn't really want to make a new plan. I wanted to transition into a new phase and leave everything else behind. I wanted to do the things I wanted instead of the things that I needed. I found plenty of "reasons" to not do the things. Unfortunately, my brain can't run without a plan. So when I decided not to make a plan, I decided to fall back into old habits that were still as comfy as a duct taped pair of Converse. Not making a plan means that I am stepping back from my responsibili-peas. Not making a plan means that I am planning to do all the things that are bad for me, ignoring the consequences that I deny are ahead of me. It's true that I have much less time. Roughly 26 hours a week less. However, my commute home is a great wind down as I crank up the tunes so that when I get home, I have already decompressed and don't need to. I'm trying to build myself a menu that involves only small amounts of prepping but still results in healthy choices. My problem is that if I have the option for a little bit of prep, or no prep, guess who wins? I'm tanking my health and cutting into my budget. I'm really in a very similar spot to where I started. It was hard to get started the first time. I know I can do this, but I can't seem to start. It just seems impossible to set groundrules for myself. Instead of my job dragging me down, it's loneliness. Instead of always being short on money, I'm jonesing for the physical affection I can't have. It's totally different, but exactly the same. I hope that finding a new therapist will help. I waited about five months from starting my job to start looking for a therapist. I tried one, but we did not mesh well. When I looked again, I thought I found one, but she rejected me for being too big a mess and suggested I find a therapist I could see in person. I've been loooking for remote therapists because I can't find anyone local that I can go see who can help me with what I need help with. Searching for a new therapist is demoralizing and depressing. You would think that there could be a better way... I even looked at an online therapy group where you can find therapists from all over the country, but it's over $300 a month and I can't use my insurance to pay. I am not sure where to go from here. I don't know which way to go that will move me forward. It seems that every direction I'm turning is either taking me backwards or just standing still. I hurt. I have been trying to let my joy in my job carry me through everything else. I know it doesn't work. I just haven't found a better alternative yet. I'm avoiding going to bed again because I don't like crying myself to sleep. My cpap hasn't been helping much because I think I needed a different size nasal pillow, which just got delivered today. So I'm not sleeping enough and I'm not sleeping well. I probably shouldn't be on the highway every morning. Hopefully the new nasal pillow will at least help me sleep better, but it won't help me want to go to bed. I hurt. I'm lost. I'm scared. And in so many ways, I feel alone.