What she said.

Do I have value? It seems like such an obvious answer. All people have value. I am a people, therefore I have value. Is that it? Is my only value that value intrinsic to me as a member of the human race? Does having involuntary muscle activity, such as breathing or a heartbeat, give me value? Only for the purposes of science.

I am worthy.

I have immense value. 

My friends see my value.

I am learning to see what they see. 

I have been telling this to myself - no, I have been reading it out loud to myself - for several weeks now. DJ and I worked this out as an affirmation I could accept as the truth. DJ reminds me to read it often and I put it as the login screen on my laptop. I was reading it every time I woke up my laptop - which was two to three times a day until I got my company laptop. Now I only open my laptop a couple times a week. Certainly not enough to ingrain a new truth. 

But the bigger problem was that even though I told DJ I could accept this as a truth, I lied. I'm not sure if eeka-brain was gaslighting me or if I honestly thought I believed it, but I was sure as hell lying to myself.

Let's break it down, line by line, and see what has gone wrong. "I am worthy." I struggled with this line for a while. I mean, it's so vague. Worthy of what? ANYTHING! EVERYTHING! I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of joy. I am worthy of mental and physical safety and security. I am worthy of friends.

As I believe everyone has a right to those things and is worthy of those things, I accept that "I am worthy" is a true statement. I am worthy. Period.

Line two has been a much greater challenge. It started out as "I have value." Also vague. I mean, negative value is still value. On a scale of one to a gazillion, one is still a value. If I am going to teach myself to accept a new truth, I need clarity.

DJ told me that I have "great value." While it's better than just "value," Great Value is the WalMart store brand. Since I am trying to convince myself that I have a higher value than cheap shit from WalMart, and DJ concurred that I am much higher quality than a WalMart product, Great Value is out. Anne told me that I have immense value, so we went with that. It sounds way better but is a lot to wrap my head around. I say it out loud, but I don't believe it. 

"My friends see my value." Duh. That's easy. Of course my friends see my value or they wouldn't be my friends. "I am learning to see what they see," is a lot harder. Lines two and four, I can read out loud, I can repeat them, but I am not convinced in the truth of line two and I have not tried to live up to line four.

DJ called me out tonight - hard core. I felt like he was just being mean. I was stunned and hurt and mad at what he accused me of. But he never just says, "Hey, you're doing this." He asks, "Are you doing this thing you think you're doing? Or that other thing?" That way you can't just get mad and ignore him. You have to consider the question and all it's implications and admit the truth of the situation.

He asked me if I was really trying to change my thinking or if I just wanted to try to change my thinking. OUCH! Damn, he is mean in the way he makes me be honest with myself. 

The reality of my affirmation was:

I am worthy.

I cannot accept that I have immense value. 

My friends see my value.

I refuse to look for the value they see. 

That tells a whole different story, but is a much more honest reflection of my thoughts. 

As happens far more often than I would like to admit, DJ was right. I wasn't really trying. I was telling myself that I was trying because I was reading and saying the words, but I wasn't taking them to heart. I did not believe the truth of them, nor did I make any effort to see that truth. 

I am worthy.

I have immense value.

My friends see my value.

I am learning to see what they see.

"I have immense value." Do I? I don't see this. I am not a person who can function on blind faith so I must look for evidence of this truth. "My friends see my value." This is my first evidence of this truth. I have amazing friends. They are smart enough to know value when they see it. I trust them to be honest with me. If they told me a negative truth, I would accept it instantly. DJ pointed out that I refuse to accept positive information about myself. Once again, he is is not wrong.

Why do I believe the negatives about myself so readily? What makes me de-value myself to such an extent? How is it that I can see how much the people I love and respect, love and respect me and not see that I have value to them. And is that good enough? Or is it at least a good starting place?

I am valuable to my friends. All I need as proof of that is evident in their faces when they see me. I feel it when they make an effort to spend time with me, when they hold my hand through trials and revel in my joys. They see my value. I want to see what they see. Truly.

So then I wonder, is my value universal, like gold or diamonds, that everyone agrees is valuable? Or is this value like a collectible that is only valuable within a certain niche?

Obviously, within my circle, I have value. I have immense value, even. I bring joy to the people around me. This is true among my friends, but also, to a lesser extent, around acquaintances. I make people happy. I can make a stranger smile and be comfortable outside of their comfort zone. This is a universal value. 

I have strength and determination. I keep going. I am working hard to better myself as a person. This is valuable. This shows my kids that they can make progress. This gives me credibility when I tell someone else that they can get through the hard things. 

My strength, combined with my vulnerability and willingness to share experiences, has been an inspiration to others that I hadn't even realized had been watching. 

These things are good and true. These things are universal. My empathy and openness make others feel safe. If our value lies within the realm of what we do for others and how our lives enrich their lives, I DO have immense value. I truly am beginning to see what they see. 

Enter eeka-brain. Gaslighting in 3 - 2 - 1. Now you're getting a big head. You are full of yourself. What kind of narcissist are you to believe that you are some kind of gift to others? Women are to be humble and soft-spoken. Who are you to upset the balance?

Who am I? I am Ericka. I have immense value as a person. I have proven this to myself over and over and it is time that I accept this. It is perfectly OK to admit that I am a bad-ass to have made all the changes I have amidst the turmoil of the past year and a half. There is nothing wrong with recognizing my own strength. 

Recognizing my own strength and toughness does not make me arrogant. Acknowledging the reactions and responses I invoke in others does not detract from the joy I share. Realizing that who I am can be a gift and a help to others does not negate these effects. As a matter of fact, it is more probably that the opposite is true. In accepting who I am, with all of my strengths and flaws, I am not reversing the positive effects that I can create. By viewing myself through a more realistic mirror, I will become more capable of helping others and be able to utilize my talents and skills in a more targeted way. This will make me better at doing what I do. This will help me become more efficient in the use of my emotional energy, thus leaving more to spread around.

eeka-brain is gaslighting me. She is lying to me about my value. She is questioning my intellect and judgement. She is undermining my authority within my own head. This is no longer acceptable. 

Another affirmation that I actually have been working on is this, "I will not allow stupid people to hurt my anymore. I deserve better and they are not worth my time." eeka-brain, that means you. Your days of bullying me are over. I renounce your authority and take back my crown as queen of my own destiny. 

I am worthy of love, of security, of happiness, of joy, of friends, of stepping up to the challenge of living versus surviving.

I DO have immense value. In so many ways and so many layers. I really am pretty bad-ass.

My friends see my value. My friends will fight for me, with me, and against me until Ericka overcomes eeka-brain. They will help me see past what is good for me to what is better. They help me strive to be my best. 

I am learning. I am starting to accept my own worth. My own value. That immense and positive value.

I am worthy.

I have immense value.

My friends see my value.

I am learning to see what they see.

Yeah. That. What she said. - Ericka