Frustrations and making progress

It's been a bit since I have posted again. Things are in that swingy state where they are either going great and I'm not thinking of writing, or I'm struggling hard and can't motivate myself to write. But today, I am here at the library, in my reserved room I use for my zoom support group. Once again, it has been cancelled. Group starts at 5, so I take a half hour lunch and leave work early to be on time. An email was sent out at 4:56. The facilitator is feeling under the weather. Odds are, they have been feeling under the weather all day. Four minutes notice is unacceptable. This is the third one she has cancelled our missed in five weeks. Obvioiusly it's not as important to her as it has been to me. I love some of the people I have met through the group, but I may have to just quit going. So, I decided to spend my time looking for therapists again. I have emailed three more that are trauma focused. It is a failing of the system that finding a therapist is such a demoralizing and stressful process. There should be some kind of triage person who you talk to and then they help you. I'm about ready to give up on this process too. Sometimes all the things I need to be doing are just to hard when you roll them all up into a giant snowball of shit that has to get done. I'm still fighting with my cpap. I sleep much better with it, but some nights, I just can't seem to get it to a comfortable place, or I wake up and just can't stand having it on anymore. They say it takes a while, but I don't know how long that while is going to be. Maybe if I can just get my shit together on other things, I can lose enough weight that I don't need it again before I get used to it. I never was truly comfortable with it when I used it before. I emailed my doctor today and updated her on how I'm doing with the med changes we made. The diabetic/weight loss med will titrate slowly until it's at whatever the preferred level is. Then I'll stay there until I'm back on track and we'll titrate back off again. I have asked her to increase my antidepressants again. I'm doing better, but still not doing well. I'm not crying myself to sleep every night now, but still at least a couple nights a week and still randomly crying about nothing. I'm worrying over every little nuance of a conversation and looking for ways that I fucked up or they don't actually want to be talking to me. Thank the universe I am able to compartmentalize enough to avoid all that drama at work. But man, by the end of the day, it's like I've been gasping for breath all day and am finally getting oxygen. I love my job and I'm good at it, but the relief is real and palpable. I wish I could keep it up all the time, but I guess that's just too much. I haven't even been going to Friday night board games lately. The thought of going is too stressful. And that's just dumb. There is no logic in it. I think that I will struggle to deal with certain people so I don't want to go. But I can be at the store any other time and deal with all kinds of people and I'm fine. So why the fuck and I avoiding one of my only hobbies? It's kind of like I don't know if it will be worth it for the return on my investment. Like, if I know there will be people who help fill me, and they will compensate for the ones who drain me, and I know I'll come out ahead, then I tell myself I could go. But there is literally no way that I can know who will be there until we have all showed up. It would be nice if I could ask a diviner for a list in advance, but that's too much like asking for winning lottery numbers and the universe doesn't seem to like that sort of thing. An interesting fact, pretty sure it's good, was that it wasn't until today that I realized yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I didn't even think of it so I don't think it was adding to my stress levels. It doesn't make me feel lonely anymore. I have plenty of much better reasons to feel lonely, but leaving a toxic relationship doesn't seem like a good one anymore. Getting a headache now since I have been crying. Also getting hungry. Guess I'll sign off and head home before I am too hungry to resist swinging by Arby's or Wendy's or Casey's. Obviously, it's getting close...