Boys are dumb

So I have been talking to this guy online for about a month and a half. He lives a couple hours away, but said he was good with coming here to visit. We had a coffee date set up for a Sunday but then he "had to" bail at the last minute. So, we rescheduled for the following weekend. It was his weekend to have his son, but his ex always picked the kiddo up on Sunday morning, so he was still good to come visit. On Saturday, he texted to tell me that his ex asked him to keep the kiddo until Tuesday, so the date was off again. Then he went silent for a day. I texted him in the morning and then once again in the evening hoping that everything was ok. 

The next day, he said that he had been in a bad headspace that day and just didn't feel like talking. I said, yeah, I get that, but if you're going to go silent, I would appreciate it if you just sent a text saying you weren't up to talking so I would know what's up. As we were talking, it turns out that he has social anxiety so meeting at a coffee shop was kind of making him anxious. So I asked a few pointed questions: Are you ever going to make it a point to come visit? Are you still interested in exploring the idea of a relationship? Are you willing to work on our communication, because right now, it sucks. He answered yes to the first two questions and didn't understand what was wrong with our communication. I explained and he said, yeah, he was willing to work on improving our communication.

The AC was out at his house and his AC guy had come over on Thursday and was going to the part he needed on Monday. He said, on Saturday, that he wasn't going to make a trip this weekend, but he would call me around 2 on Sunday, and he was going to show up at board game night that Friday. So, I was a little excited. We had talked on the phone once before and had an easy conversation that flowed for three hours. 

Sunday morning, I sent a good morning text and got no response. Now, I have really enjoyed getting to know this guy, but I am not desperate enough to beg for texts if he doesn't respond. About ten after 2, when I had not yet received a call, I message him and asked if he was still planning to call. He didn't respond until almost 4:30 when he said that because of the heat, he was not feeling well. I was frustrated that he just pulled the same crap he did a few days back and even though he told he wouldn't do it again, he did it again. 

I didn't hear from him at all for a few days and I did not reach out to him. On Wednesday, I wrote him a letter. A name was changed... just so I don't have to think about it anymore...

Dear dumb boy, 

I hope you are resting well in air conditioned comfort. It's 3:30 in the morning and I've been awake since 2. Since you are what I was thinking about and writing is how I process, I decided to write you a letter. I don't know if I'll ever send it to you or not. It may be that just the act of writing it out will help me enough, or maybe I will need to know that someone has read it. Even if I do need someone to read it, prob'ly won't be you. I'm not sure you deserve the gift of my vulnerability. And that's really the crux of the matter, isn't it?

I know what it means to be ghosted and I'm not going to beg anyone to go out with me. At this point, I don't know if I COULD go out with you, even if you were to reach out to me again. I have already been grieving the loss of this opportunity for a few days now, so I guess this is a eulogy of sorts.

[some things have been edited out here]

Now, as we have previously discussed, my brain is an asshole. It's trying to tell me that I fucked up somehow and this is all my fault. I have actively decided to fight back with logic. Sometimes this works, and sometimes, not so much. We'll see how it goes. 

1. My brain is telling me this is further confirmation that I am unlovable. I'm still struggling to learn to love me, which gave this statement some unneeded traction. But

    - as much as we were getting to know each other, you don't know me well enough to know whether or not I am truly lovable or undeserving of love. [more editing, for your benefit]

    - Logically, I know that I have real friends who love me, so, at least on some level, I am lovable. And if my best friend, who knows more of my stories than anyone else, can still love me, then the "they just think they love me but they don't really know who I am or they wouldn't love me" argument kind of looses it's steam. Maybe I'm not lovable in a romantic way, and that's where the universe is having a hearty laugh at my expense. 

2. I don't even know what happened. all I know is that you ghosted me and didn't even show me the respect to be up front about it. I thought we had reached a level of mutual attraction and mutual respect. But if you don't have the balls to be honest with me -- maybe I dodged a bullet. Much better to be crushed in the shallow end of the pool than the deep end, right? At least I can still walk away and not drown. 

3. My last point is that the only thing I can think of that I might have done wrong (because nothing in a relationship is only one-sided) is that I expected you to communicate. [run down of some of the aforementioned details that I won't bore you with again] No matter how hot you were and how you weren't feeling well, you owed me the courtesy of at least a short message. Especially after we had just talked about it a few days ago. THAT was a bitch move. 

    It hurt my feelings and upset me that you would not be true to your word. Could I trust you to stick it out through our inevitable miscommunications? You have answered that question with a resounding NO. 

And that begs the question, do I really want to waste my time and emotional energy on another dumb boy who refuses to communicate? I just don't have it in me.

Best wishes, dumb boy. Take care. - Ericka

I wrote that on the 20th. On the 21st, I got a message saying something about being sorry and being in a bad headspace and he would not ask me to forgive him or even talk to him again. What a joke.

So why didn't he deserve the give of my vulnerability?

   

Because it is me. That vein of vulnerability runs right through the core of who I am. No one deserves that unless I decide they do. And even then, that's not quite right. NO ONE EVER DESERVES to see any part of me. It is a privilege. It's like a secret treasure. I have to protect the heart of me. No one who gives me such a bullshit apology, to try and make themselves feel better, is not trustworthy enough to be allowed into my treasure caves. 

My core, with all my strengths and weaknesses, is like a series of magical caverns, where the tunnels switch around more than the Gryffindor stair cases. Even if I'm going where I've been before, I could still end up somewhere new. And I guess that makes me the dragon protecting my hoard. I kind of love that analogy. And if anyone tries to force their way in, I roast them.

No one deserves to visit my treasure trove. Once I trust someone enough, I may allow them in. It doesn't mean that they deserve it. Nor is it a right that can be earned. This is something that I am just beginning to understand. 

DJ has always understood this because any time I have shared with him, he has thanked me, without fail. I am finally understanding why. He has earned my trust. He has never betrayed that trust. And he has never weaponized any of the things I have shared with him in order to hurt me. Even though all of this is true, we both know I could choose not to ever share this treasure with him again. It is a privilege that I give him and he values it as the gift that it is. 

But dumb boy has failed the vetting process. He has never been allowed into the entrance of my heart. I let him stand outside and see a glimpse of the treasure inside. He didn't deserve even that much. It was a privilege that I allowed him. He did not appreciate the gift that it was. I'm not sure I did yet either. 

But in showing me that he is NOT true to his word, and that he is not willing to put in any effort to communicate, even knowing that it could hurt me, he showed me a slew of red flags. He deserves nothing from me. He has not earned even an iota of my trust. He has seen all of me that he is ever going to see. And that is true because only one person in this scenario deserves anything. I do. I deserve better. 

Now, the bar of what I think I deserve is still set pretty low. The fact that he couldn't do the emotional equivalent of stepping over a four inch wall is truly pathetic. 

I stood up for myself. I expected the decency of honesty and open communication. That is his failing. It is NOT wrong of me to expect that, or even demand it. I probably should set my bar higher, but at least I have a bar. Progress, not perfection.

But what is even more amazing to me than standing up for myself with dumb boy, is that I stood up to ME. I didn't just let asshole brain run rampant. I logically see that I can be loved, at least at a platonic level. That may be the furthest extent that I ever reach. Still beats not being lovable at all. 

These are not things I understood or had accepted just a few months ago. That is actually some pretty hefty progress.

I'm actually a little bit proud of myself. Dumb boy is an ass, but he was not really so bad as a test. I am more confident now in my ability to see and recognize red flags for what they are. A decent manipulator could still fuck me over, I'm sure, but I can at least guard myself from amateurs and wanna-be's.

Is it too much to ask for love and respect? I want someone to see me as beautiful and look at me like they mean it. Maybe that will be easier when I get my shit together and start losing weight again. Or maybe it's just not in the cards for me. 

I mean, I have friends who love me, 3 great kids, 2 adorable grandsons, and a job that I actually enjoy. Maybe I am just being greedy and asking for too much.

Or maybe, as I continue to grow, this perspective will change, too.

Here's hoping.