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Shrouded

I am viewing the world through a thick veil or fog. Maybe more of a smog. It makes it hard to see, but it can also choke me at times. It is hard to see happiness through it. I cannot take a deep breath, both for the toxicity in the air around me and the, once again, chronic back pain caused by the constant level of stress. Shallow breathing makes it hard to laugh. My eyes sting from the acrid smoke and tear up with little provocation. I cannot tell if I am moving forward or walking in circles. I cannot see if this cloud is little or gigantic. I don't know if it is stationary and I can walk out of it if I could find my way, or if it is clinging to me in such a way that I cannot escape it. Tiny little things that used to annoy me now weigh me down so heavily that it is almost physical. I have to consciously fight their grappling to avoid falling into the pit they are trying to drag me into. I am trying to evaluate the causes of this toxicity so that I can resolve it. There is the con...
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42

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I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It's not what you think. I'm so over 42. That's so 2018.  I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It can't be 42. I mean, I'm 47. I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Now, I just have to accept it. I finally watched Encanto the other night with my girls and my Cottage Cuties. It was a roller coaster of all the emotions and hit all the buttons. Then, the next night, I saw that Cinema Therapy had an Encanto episode, so I watched that, took notes, and then re-watched the movie. I did a little journaling to process the emotions I was feeling and I learned something big. When I first looked at the characters, I know everyone wants to talk about not talking about Bruno, because a lot of people relate to him. I mean, I like the character, but I don't see me there. I first connected with Mirabel, struggl...
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Unbalanced truths

Yesterday was an OK day on the surface, but underneath was too hard. Monday was also a great day, on a lot of levels, but also hard. Monday was Livi's family birthday. Payton and Amaya came up. Any time I have all three of my kids together, it is a great day. But it was also several hours spent with Dan. I thought that didn't bother me, as he didn't get on my nerves as bad as usual, but it seems that is its own, different type of problem.  Dan used salt when cooking supper but didn't measure it and didn't bother to tell me until after supper. Ash told me he felt bad about it - but I call bullshit on that. He sabotaged me when we were still together so it would be ridiculous to believe he cares more now that I am no longer his problem.  That upset me - mostly at myself - for not expecting it. I know I am an optimist. I hate that about myself. I want to think good things about people, even when they have shown me the flaw of that kind of thinking. Optimism? Stupidity?...
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