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Shrouded

I am viewing the world through a thick veil or fog. Maybe more of a smog. It makes it hard to see, but it can also choke me at times. It is hard to see happiness through it. I cannot take a deep breath, both for the toxicity in the air around me and the, once again, chronic back pain caused by the constant level of stress. Shallow breathing makes it hard to laugh. My eyes sting from the acrid smoke and tear up with little provocation. I cannot tell if I am moving forward or walking in circles. I cannot see if this cloud is little or gigantic. I don't know if it is stationary and I can walk out of it if I could find my way, or if it is clinging to me in such a way that I cannot escape it. Tiny little things that used to annoy me now weigh me down so heavily that it is almost physical. I have to consciously fight their grappling to avoid falling into the pit they are trying to drag me into. I am trying to evaluate the causes of this toxicity so that I can resolve it. There is the con...
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Kintsukuroi

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It's been a month since Daddy died. Well, that's not quite right. It's been a month since Daddy's lungs gave out and his body ceased to function. In all honesty, most of the man who helped make me who I am had been eroded away already. There were barely glimmers anymore of the man he was.  The summer of 2019, Daddy was diagnosed with dementia. What had started as a little memory loss, when the man who knew everybody's name had to start asking Momma what someone's name was, became so much worse, so fast. By Thanksgiving, he got lost on the way to the restroom in a house he'd been to hundreds of times.  The man who had never met a stranger started to freak out when he couldn't find Momma among the sea of unfamiliar faces consisting of family and friends he had known for decades. It was sad and scary. But on January 6th, 2020, reality truly hit me for the first time. Our car needed repairs. The mechanic said it would be $600 and he could fix it. He also sai...
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Another New Reality

One of the things I talked about with my doctor last month was my periods. They have been just crazy the last few months. They have always been sporadic, but when I had them, they followed a consistent trend. Flow started light, built up for a couple days, died back down, and that was the end. They are not like that anymore. One day will be medium and the next there is nothing. Day three could be heavy bleeding that I can barely keep up with in the hygiene department, and the next back to medium. My four to five days is now four to seven.  I'm 47. Menopause is just over the horizon. I've lost 63 pounds and that is guaranteed to screw with your hormones. I didn't know if one of these things was the issue or if there was something else and if there was anything I could do about it either way. So, I asked. Dr. Ryan agreed that both being pre-menopausal and having lost a significant amount of weight could have an impact. She thought that a change in my birth control might help,...
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