fuck valentine's day...

Today was valentine's day. I knew it all day and it was a good day. I got some new jewelry from a gal at work who is cutting down her collection. Livi gave me a yellow rose and some dark chocolate caramels. DJ made what is quite possibly the best popcorn in the universe and saved half a bag for me. I went to my support group tonight. I hung out with DJ at the store while he was teaching a game. 

All in all, it's been a good day. Livi and Anne both reminded me to practice self love today, but as Ash points out, it is still Single Person Awareness Day.

I got home, put my rose in water, ate a caramel, and stayed to cry. 

I know it's dumb. I have so much. I am surrounded by wonderful people who live and appreciate me, and will be there for me in any way they can. 

So, why am I still grieving? I have friends I can confide in and trust. The only shortage in my life, besides money being tight, is physical contact. I get a couple hugs from DJ a week and a couple of hours of doggo cuddles x4 on Sundays. 

I've been raised by family, church, and society, to grow up, get married, and have kids. I have done all that. My kids have all grown up to be great people. I have done well. Both of my marriages were good choices and had some great moments. I'm still friendly with both of my exes. 

I just want a partner. Someone to eat dinner with. Someone to hold my hand. Someone to hold me when the day has been hard, to kiss me on the forehead, to celebrate my little victories, and push me to do my best. Someone to bump into me in the kitchen and put a hand on my shoulder as we pass in the hallway.

Is that wrong? Am I asking for too much? Should I be grieving this lack, hoping for it to manifest for me, or accepting that this is not in the cards for me?

I've been told to cross my arms and tap them with my hands, hug myself, or put lotion on to savor the touch of my own skin. I've tried them all but they don't give me what I need.

I need social interaction with physical comfort. I need emotional and physical intimacy.

I need someone who can hug me and make me feel safe. I need physical affection from someone I can trust. I need someone who wants to hold my hand as much as I want to hold theirs. I need someone who will hold me to give and not to take.

Why can't I get over this? What is wrong with me? 

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