Unbalanced truths

Yesterday was an OK day on the surface, but underneath was too hard. Monday was also a great day, on a lot of levels, but also hard. Monday was Livi's family birthday. Payton and Amaya came up. Any time I have all three of my kids together, it is a great day. But it was also several hours spent with Dan. I thought that didn't bother me, as he didn't get on my nerves as bad as usual, but it seems that is its own, different type of problem. 

Dan used salt when cooking supper but didn't measure it and didn't bother to tell me until after supper. Ash told me he felt bad about it - but I call bullshit on that. He sabotaged me when we were still together so it would be ridiculous to believe he cares more now that I am no longer his problem. 

That upset me - mostly at myself - for not expecting it. I know I am an optimist. I hate that about myself. I want to think good things about people, even when they have shown me the flaw of that kind of thinking. Optimism? Stupidity? Is there really a difference? Either way, I am setting myself up to get hurt, again. Dumb. 

Then we were in the kitchen and he walked behind me and put his hand on the small of my back as he passed me. It was intimate and possessive. He doesn't have the rights to be either of those anymore. I should have told him as much. But I am so lonely. I crave those touches so hard right now. Turning to Dan for any kind of support would be disastrous. I KNOW this... but still...

I have tried to focus on the great things from Monday night. Overall, it was a great night, but not completely. Is my craving of physical affection a product of being so used for everyone else's physical pleasure? Is that how I need to get my validation? I mean, that's where I have been shown my value comes from, over and over and over. Even the one boyfriend I had that I didn't have sex with confirmed my value is purely physical by sleeping with his ex the entire time we were dating and then dumping me to go back to her. 

Dude 1 told people he was using me for sex when we weren't even dating. 

Dude 2 used me for a year and a half. 

Dude 3 latched on to that physical value in only a few hours. 

Dude 4 got mad at me when he couldn't use me whenever, or however, he wanted. 

Dude 5 didn't value me because he didn't get to use me physically. 

Dude 6 wanted to take advantage of me when I was drunk. 

Dude 7 made me feel just good enough to heighten his pleasure. 

Dude 8 got me drunk and raped me - making me tell him it was what I wanted. 

Dude 9 and Dude 10 both took advantage of my emotional weakness and loneliness and exploited it for their own benefit. 

Dude 11 was just using me to get off - only caring about my pleasure enough to boost his own ego and make it easier to weedle me into having sex the next time. 

It is so hard to believe that I deserve better than this. Some days I believe I have value as a person other than physical value. Then, I remember that I am an optimist and know that I am just setting myself up for another crash. 

How do I balance the truths of the past year against the truths of the past three and a half decades?


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