Can you see me now?

I've tried to write three or four times over the past few days, but I just couldn't find my rhythm. DJ asked if I had tried writing about good things. Seriously? It never occurred to me to write about good things. I write to process the things I am struggling with. So why should I write about good things? Well, because I struggle to process good things, too.

When bad things happen and I'm struggling to cope with them, I have no trouble acknowledging that things are not going well or accepting that I fucked up. I expect things to go that way. 

But when good things happen, I tend to dismiss them as luck. And while I try to enjoy them in the moment, in the back of my mind, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

When anything goes wrong, I immediately accept the blame. I must have fucked something up. Enough people have gaslit me to the point that I fully understood not only was I to blame, I deserved any negative consequences that followed. 

Being surrounded by a different kind of friends has helped me to see the fallacies in that way of thinking more than any therapy I have been in. Don't get me wrong. I have had some great (and not-so-great) therapists. But without seeing this concept in action, practiced by real people, it was super hard for me to accept. Faith and I don't get along real well. Seeing is believing, as they say. So, after several years, I am finally starting to accept the truth that not all bad things occurring around me are my responsibility. I do not need to, nor should I, accept blame for every negative thing that happens to me or the people I care about. I did not "deserve" all the negatives that I have experienced. Even if making a bad decision helped to create a situation, I am never responsible for the actions of other people. 

Sometimes, that black hole still tries to suck me in, but I am getting better at seeing the signs early enough to change my trajectory. 

I am proud of my progress and I am getting more comfortable all the time with the idea that I do not deserve bad things. But until now, I have stopped there and ignored the flip side of that coin. 

Even accepting that I don't deserve all the bad things that have happened to me had not moved me beyond that acceptance to recognize, by the same token, all the good things that happen to me are not just luck. I have manifested a lot of great things in my life and I deserve to enjoy the results of that hard work. 

It has always been easier for me to accept responsibility/credit/blame for bad things than for good things. But, that has started changing...

When I started my job, 7 months back, Barb handed my resume to Hillary, who passed it on to Diana, who appointed me as her assistant rather than posting the position. I thanked both Hillary and Barb for getting me the job. Until now, despite DJ's "gentle assurances," I could not accept that they just connected me to the right people, but I was the one who walked out of the interview with the job. Even though I intentionally walked into the conference room with a bright smile to dazzle them and the goal of just being my genuine self at a job interview for the first time ever, I was still not recognizing and thanking myself for getting hired. 

Diana bumped her retirement up, from four years to five months, because of her confidence in my abilities. Within six months of my hire date, I was offered a supervisor spot to clean up a struggling unit and get it running smoothly. That position was never posted, either. They came to me before anyone else even knew the previous supervisor was leaving the unit. They asked me to do the job based on my experience, the attitude I displayed, and the work I had accomplished in the past 6 months. That was not luck. It was a direct result of my hard work and effort. I earned that. 

Having held the position for almost exactly one month now, I am seeing changes in the demeanor and work ethic of the people on my team. Most of them smile more and it has been noticed outside of our unit. They still complain, but now they are bringing their complaints to me so we can work towards a better path. We are building relationships and trust. We are turning a random grouping of people all doing the same job into a team. Did I do that? Yep. I did. That's on me. I have been working to earn the respect of my team members and to get their buy-in on my new plans and strategies. And, for once, I am not waiting for it all to fall apart because I know that I am doing a damn good job. That still sounds weird for me to say, but I feel,  and believe, and accept the truth of that. I am doing great things. They may not be BIG, great things, but they are big things nonetheless.

I've also been noticing a few other changes. I don't think I'm invisible anymore. People are starting to see me. Random people compliment me in the office building and on the street. A barista I've only met once, a week ago, remembered me well enough today to comment on the jewelry I had been wearing on my previous visit. I was checking out at a store when another sales associate put down what she was doing to come over and just smile. She didn't join the conversation, but seemed oddly happy to be near it. 

I've heard rumors of this strange phenomenon, but I have never seen it action. And so clearly. Somehow, I'm not scared of how all of this is going to end. I'm excited to see where it can go.