fucking adulting

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Shrouded

I am viewing the world through a thick veil or fog. Maybe more of a smog. It makes it hard to see, but it can also choke me at times. It is hard to see happiness through it. I cannot take a deep breath, both for the toxicity in the air around me and the, once again, chronic back pain caused by the constant level of stress. Shallow breathing makes it hard to laugh. My eyes sting from the acrid smoke and tear up with little provocation. I cannot tell if I am moving forward or walking in circles. I cannot see if this cloud is little or gigantic. I don't know if it is stationary and I can walk out of it if I could find my way, or if it is clinging to me in such a way that I cannot escape it. Tiny little things that used to annoy me now weigh me down so heavily that it is almost physical. I have to consciously fight their grappling to avoid falling into the pit they are trying to drag me into. I am trying to evaluate the causes of this toxicity so that I can resolve it. There is the con...
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Kintsukuroi

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It's been a month since Daddy died. Well, that's not quite right. It's been a month since Daddy's lungs gave out and his body ceased to function. In all honesty, most of the man who helped make me who I am had been eroded away already. There were barely glimmers anymore of the man he was.  The summer of 2019, Daddy was diagnosed with dementia. What had started as a little memory loss, when the man who knew everybody's name had to start asking Momma what someone's name was, became so much worse, so fast. By Thanksgiving, he got lost on the way to the restroom in a house he'd been to hundreds of times.  The man who had never met a stranger started to freak out when he couldn't find Momma among the sea of unfamiliar faces consisting of family and friends he had known for decades. It was sad and scary. But on January 6th, 2020, reality truly hit me for the first time. Our car needed repairs. The mechanic said it would be $600 and he could fix it. He also sai...
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42

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I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It's not what you think. I'm so over 42. That's so 2018.  I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It can't be 42. I mean, I'm 47. I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Now, I just have to accept it. I finally watched Encanto the other night with my girls and my Cottage Cuties. It was a roller coaster of all the emotions and hit all the buttons. Then, the next night, I saw that Cinema Therapy had an Encanto episode, so I watched that, took notes, and then re-watched the movie. I did a little journaling to process the emotions I was feeling and I learned something big. When I first looked at the characters, I know everyone wants to talk about not talking about Bruno, because a lot of people relate to him. I mean, I like the character, but I don't see me there. I first connected with Mirabel, struggl...
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