Undeserving

DJ was asking me some hard questions tonight. He likes to do that. He was asking me about what I deserve. He asked why I deserve to have people help me. I told him that I'm not sure I do. He asked if I deserve to be happy. I don't think so. So he asked if I deserve to be miserable. I told him I don't think I "deserve" to be happy OR miserable. He then asked why I deserve to be meh. He asked if I have the right to be happy.

Words are powerful. They are important to me. If I am to figure out what I deserve or have a right to, first I have to come to terms with definitions. So many people say, "it's just semantics," as if the flavor and context of our language doesn't matter. But it does. Communication is vital. Semantics is one of my strengths. This is why I write. To share my ideas in a way that others can understand. I'll spend ten minutes agonizing over one word, to make sure it is just right, and lends the right air to my monologue. I am a nerd. It's what I do. 

According to Merriam-Webster, "deserve is used when a person should rightly receive something good or bad because of his or her actions or character." It is defined as, "to be worthy of." A right though, is "something to which one has a just claim." So the questions remain - Do I deserve to have help? Do I deserve to be happy? Do I have the right to be happy?

The short answers are yes, no, yes. But have no fear, I will elaborate. In my opinion, which is valid only within my own inner dialogue, for one to deserve or be worthy implies that another is less so. It says that there is something specific about that one, which is not necessarily unique, but somehow sets them apart from many in some small way. If you deserve it, it was earned. It is not just, or a right, for you to have it. A right is something that could be valid for anyone. But to deserve it, that is special. 

Do I deserve help? I believe that I do. What is special about me that makes me worthy of assistance? Maybe it is the fact that I am appreciative and grateful. Maybe it is because I will try to make the most of any help I am given and build on it, using it to gain my own momentum so I don't need the same help again, over and over and over. Maybe it is because I will return the favor. I think it's a little bit of all of these, but I also think it's not up to me to decide. It doesn't matter if I think I deserve help, if others can't see in me some way that I am worthy or have earned it. A lot of people have helped me, in a myriad of ways, but they have each felt I was deserving for their own reasons. I don't know all those reasons and I don't need to, because that is not my decision. 

I don't have a right to help. It's not just or unjust that I receive help when I'm struggling. And God knows, I struggle enough that it's pathetic and old news. But I am not unworthy of help. I do not deserve to not receive help. I have not earned such scorn, even if I am not worthy of great admiration. I do have value as a person and I try to be worthy of the support that is shown me, in whatever form it should appear, whether it be a loan, a shoulder, kind words, hard truths, dinner, or a good shake. 

Do I deserve to be happy? I don't think so. That's not to say that I deserve to be miserable, or even just meh. Do I have the right to be happy? Yes. We all do. It is just that everyone should have the opportunity to be happy. To deserve to be happy, I would have to earn it. I have the right to be happy. Have I earned it? Am I worthy of it? Am I doing the things that it takes to be happy to earn that reward? Hmm... well, kinda, yeah. Maybe I am. I mean, I am putting in the effort. I am working towards happiness. I don't expect it to just fall into my lap. I'm still fighting. I'm still struggling. Feels like I'm always struggling, but I'm also always pushing to be just a little bit better than I was yesterday. 

Maybe it's my own fault that I'm struggling... not because I'm making bad choices, but because I'm making good ones? Maybe, because I am pushing to make my own life better, maybe that's all it is? Maybe that's what makes me worthy of happiness? Maybe, just maybe, by standing up for myself and fighting to stand on my own two feet, maybe that's all it takes? Maybe, just maybe, I am worthy? Maybe I really do deserve to be happy? That would put a whole new spin on things. 

Hope is scary. But I hope this is true. I hope it's really that easy - not that growth is ever easy - but that fighting to grow makes me worthy. But who am I hoping is going to validate me? DJ? Anne? Barb? Sure, they'll all tell me I deserve to be happy, but who really has to decide that? Don't tell Deej he was right again, but I'm pretty sure it's me. I don't have to hope. I just have to decide. 

So I just decided. Right now. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be surrounded by a few people who love and respect me. Who will support me and push me and hug me and laugh at me and laugh with me. People who I don't have to filter myself around and who don't feel they have to filter with me. I don't deserve fish. I deserve to know how to get my own damn fish. 

It feels good to write that, to see it, to hear it, to believe it. Right now, I do. I will do my best to hang on to the truth that I deserve to be happy. But it's new, and it's big, and it's gonna get away from me. And I will fight to find it again. And it's gonna be easier the second time. And the third. And the twenty-seventh. Eventually, it's gonna stick. Because I deserve it. I AM worthy.