42

I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It's not what you think. I'm so over 42. That's so 2018. 

I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. It can't be 42. I mean, I'm 47.

I know the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Now, I just have to accept it.

I finally watched Encanto the other night with my girls and my Cottage Cuties. It was a roller coaster of all the emotions and hit all the buttons. Then, the next night, I saw that Cinema Therapy had an Encanto episode, so I watched that, took notes, and then re-watched the movie. I did a little journaling to process the emotions I was feeling and I learned something big.

When I first looked at the characters, I know everyone wants to talk about not talking about Bruno, because a lot of people relate to him. I mean, I like the character, but I don't see me there. I first connected with Mirabel, struggling to contribute when surrounded by those who are more talented, attractive, gifted, just more... I know there's a little of Abuela in me to, trying to control everything so that everyone is safe and protected. I am a big sister, so Luisa got my attention, but I was like, meh, that's not really me. I don't feel like I have to carry the world. But then she asked, "Who am I if I don't have what it takes?"

DJ and I were talking last night about my epiphany. I explained that I struggle because I feel like I have to do everything. In Cinema Therapy, they talked about benign superiority, where you feel like you have to help everyone but no one can help you because that's what you do, but that's not why. I have always thought I was doing all the things because if I don't do it, who will? But then I realized the true reason I feel the need to do all the things. I have to do all the things, because if I don't, someone else will. And if someone else does the things, what does anybody need me for?

There I was on a Friday night, sitting at a game table with my best friend, tears just pouring down my cheeks, thinking how glad I was that the only other people in the store were gaming in the side room. And what does DJ do? He reminds me, for probably the two dozenth time, that I am refusing to see or accept anything good about myself.

I woke up the next morning, Saturday, feeling cute. You know, that soft sleepiness that makes Olivia, Anne, and even Charlie, adorable first thing when they wake up when they feel like it rather than to an alarm? I, of course, immediately started tearing myself down, but then I stopped. I spent 30 minutes reveling in my own cuteness. Just feeling what that feels like in my soft, warm, comfy bed. The sunlight was sneaking around the edges of the black out curtain to create a soft brightness and it was astounding.

I thought of taking a pic to see what my morning cute actually looks like but I did not. Why not? I'm too scared. I'm just starting to actually try to accept good thoughts I have about myself, but that acceptance is very tenuous right now. I don't think it can hold up against body dysmorphia just yet. Baby steps, I suppose.

Today is Sunday. I woke up this morning feeling ragged and worn and that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror. It seems logical that my perception is skewed to match my moods, but I can't step back and objectively see anything different, so I don't know. It makes me kind of sad. Emotionally, yesterday was such a good day that today feels like a let down. That's what makes hope so dangerous. Falling from a foot up is not such a big deal, but the higher you hope, the farther you have to fall and the more it's going to hurt. I also feel like this is going to take a lot of attempts to make seeing good things stick. I will try as much as I can, but some days... just not going to happen.

But I am still going to get back at it in the hopes that someday, this, too, will get easier. Some days, I believe I am enough. Some days, I am that 42. Other days, I struggle to remember that I have value, that I am tough & strong and I will get through this just as I have everything else so far. There's been a lot of everything else. But it hasn't stopped me yet. I will keep going. Even if progress is slow. Even when I backtrack. Even when I feel alone. Because I am enough. Enough for me. Enough of a reason to make the effort.

I choose music that lifts me - on days I'm feeling good, or struggling to move. One of my favorite songs right now, kind of a personal anthem, is "I Am the Fire" by Halestorm. I have listened to this song a million times and just the other day, heard a line I had never registered before. Lzzy sings, "I am the one I have been waiting for." Damn, Lzzy. She wrote about this song back in 2015 in her tumblr journal. What else is there to say?

"Self-realization, is scary. Taking ownership of one’s self, is hard. We can always find any and every excuse in the book to put off what we know needs to be done, or place the blame on someone else. I wrote the song “I Am The Fire,” as a reminder to myself that with every obstacle I face, the only person standing in my way is ME. I was born with a raw, natural talent, and some obsession to fuel the fire. But I’ve had to work very hard turn that little piece of coal into a diamond. And when my diamond begins to fade every now and then, I have to make promises to myself. I promise to respect my life, and work hard to make it shine, even when doubt or procrastination creeps in. If you read my first Tumblr Diary entry, you know that I’m facing a vocal change, which has tested my sanity, and continues to challenge me every day.  Another thing you should know about me, I’m not specifically a “naturally born” guitarist. My natural talents are rooted in melody and music yes…but I’m no Eddie, or Jimmy. I’ve had to work very hard, and continue to work everyday until my fingers are so sore…to be decent at what I do. But you know what, I do it. I get it done. I try to never let my mind get in the way of my heart, but when it does, I have to remind myself, that I am more than this. I am so much more than anyone perceives me to be, or what my asshole brain thinks I am. No one else can make you the best version of yourself…only YOU can do that. You are the one you’ve been waiting for. Your hero has been staring at you in the mirror all along.      

Am I brave enough?

Am I strong enough?

To follow the desire

That burns from within

To push away my fear

To stand where I'm afraid

I am through with this

'Cause I am more than this

I promise to myself

Alone, and no one else

My flame is rising higher

I am the fire

I am burning brighter

Roaring like a storm

And I am the one

I've been waiting for

Screaming like a siren

Alive, and burning brighter

I am the fire

I've been sacrificed

My heart's been cauterized

Hanging on to hope

Shackled by the ghost

Of what I once believed

That I could never be

What's right in front of me

I am the fire

I am burning brighter

Roaring like a storm

And I am the one

I've been waiting for

Screaming like a siren

Alive, and burning brighter

I am the fire

I don't believe I'll fall from grace

Won't let the past decide my fate

Leave forgiveness in my wake, oh

Take the life that I've embraced

I promise to myself

Me, and no one else

I am more than this

I am the fire

I am burning brighter

Roaring like a storm

And I am the one

I've been waiting for

Screaming like a siren

Alive and burning brighter

I am the fire

Love, Lzzy"