My One-Eighty

So, work is great. I feel supported by managers and appreciated by my team. I am respected by my peers and my job gives plenty to do, things to learn, opportunities to be creative, and I'm damn good at it. In the professional aspect of my life, I am successful. But now I have to find a new balance. When my job was shit and I was completely miserable, it was draining but it was not a focus. I didn't have to work on it because it was a shit job, it had always been a shit job (even when I didn't know it yet), and it would always be a shit job. I just did the things and then I tried to forget about it for 15.5 hours when it would start over again. I focused on my health, my relationships, and even a little bit on me. Relationships top the list of my personal values and I doubt I will ever not be focused on them. My people mean the world to me. They rejuvinate me when I'm weary and worn. They lift and support me when I'm low. They share my joy in my victories. When I c...

I've tried to write three or four times over the past few days, but I just couldn't find my rhythm. DJ asked if I had tried writing about good things. Seriously? It never occurred to me to write about good things. I write to process the things I am struggling with. So why should I write about good things? Well, because I struggle to process good things, too. When bad things happen and I'm struggling to cope with them, I have no trouble acknowledging that things are not going well or accepting that I fucked up. I expect things to go that way.  But when good things happen, I tend to dismiss them as luck. And while I try to enjoy them in the moment, in the back of my mind, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When anything goes wrong, I immediately accept the blame. I must have fucked something up. Enough people have gaslit me to the point that I fully understood not only was I to blame, I deserved any negative consequences that followed.  Being surrounded by a di...

Today was valentine's day. I knew it all day and it was a good day. I got some new jewelry from a gal at work who is cutting down her collection. Livi gave me a yellow rose and some dark chocolate caramels. DJ made what is quite possibly the best popcorn in the universe and saved half a bag for me. I went to my support group tonight. I hung out with DJ at the store while he was teaching a game.  All in all, it's been a good day. Livi and Anne both reminded me to practice self love today, but as Ash points out, it is still Single Person Awareness Day. I got home, put my rose in water, ate a caramel, and stayed to cry.  I know it's dumb. I have so much. I am surrounded by wonderful people who live and appreciate me, and will be there for me in any way they can.  So, why am I still grieving? I have friends I can confide in and trust. The only shortage in my life, besides money being tight, is physical contact. I get a couple hugs from DJ a week and a couple of hours of doggo...

 Daddy died in September 2021. Dan and I split that November. Ash and I got our own place. I posted my last blog in March 2022 when I got my tattoo. It's hard to get started again. I had a flow, a rhythm, a style, and a voice. I have been struggling to remember where I was then. I finally realized that none of that matters. I was a different person two years ago. It's not about where I was then, it's about where I am now. I quit blogging because I didn't want to inadvertently turn this into a bitter, my-ex-sucks rant or an oh-woe-is-me pity party. Not saying those things didn't happen, because they did. But nobody else needed to see that. At least that's what I was telling myself. I started this blog in December 2020 after my diagnoses of lymphedema and diabetes, at the recommendation of my diabetic educator. He pointed out that it obviously helped me to write out what I'm going through and there just aren't a lot of places online where people can find s...