A fresh New Year

I woke up this morning around 8:30. I was sleeping alone on a hide-a-bed in someone else's home. It is one of my two other homes I can still go to in this pandemic. Anne, DJ, Barb, Dave, Dan and I consider ourselves a "plague group." We are a small circle who are all diligent in our social distancing and rarely socialize outside the group. If we do the latter, we wait 10-14 days before rejoining the plague group. There are many, many, MANY phone calls during isolation and remote board games to maintain our connection. 

Outside, it is snowing.  The flakes are coming down and starting to cover the yellowed grass. I would love to have a cup of coffee, but I gave up caffeine in 2020 for health reasons.

It is grey outside, but pretty. The house is cold and makes me glad of my soft, fuzzy slippers. 

I meandered out to the living room to snuggle up on the couch with my Dan. Then I started writing my blog, to share with all of the wonderful people who follow my progress, especially the delightful bard, DJ.* Not such a bad way to start off my new year.

Looking back over 2020, it was a hard year. Daddy's Alzheimer's has progressed aggressively. The last time we saw him and Momma was the weekend of Valentine's Day, when we were finally able to get together for a family Christmas. It was not about gifts of presents, but gifts of presence. Our time together is limited and precious. I worry that it was my last chance to even see Daddy as the family that he loves is now far too big for him to process. We can't meet at my sister's as he does not have a safe place to escape to and will demand that Momma take him home. And we can't meet at their house, or we have invaded his safe place, leaving him vulnerable and confused. 

The pandemic began to hit us all hard in March. It caught me off guard when Olivia was flying home from New York on Spring Break, and she texted me that Lex's parents weren't going to let her see him for two weeks after her return since New York was considered a hot spot. Then, another parent asked me if we were isolating and staying home from work for two weeks when Livi got home. She offered to let Livi stay with them since her daughter had been on the same trip and she and her husband would already be staying home. 

I hadn't even considered the pandemic affecting our lives at this point and hadn't really acknowledged that it was a big deal. This was before the social distancing and masks became the norm. I bawled when I had to tell my baby that she couldn't come home. It was one of the hardest parental choices we had ever had to make. I never imagined I would ever tell one of my kids they could not come home. 

Those two weeks were hard. We saw her everyday, as soon as I got off work. We would park on the street and roll down the window and she would talk to us from the sidewalk. It was painful to see her everyday and not be able to touch her. But we never missed a day, and we often stayed for hours. Occasionally, we brought Lex with us. When our visit was done, we would roll up the windows and Olivia would stretch her arms out wide, lean onto the car, and "hug" each of us through the car door. That was the first time I had to increase my antidepressants in 2020.

Dan started working from home in April and I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I got my APAP, similar to a CPAP, May 1st and started working from home on the 19th.

The lack of social contact wore on me quickly and I had to increase my meds again in June. This was also when the sores showed up, and by July, Dan was adamant that I see the doctor. 

As we started my lymphedema journey, it led us into a period of difficult, but auspicious growth. We have worked to improve our health, our finances, and the state of our home. We have pulled tight and solidified friendships into what is now our plague group. These people are vital to my mental health and continued existence. I have never been so ensconced within a social group before. I can be vulnerable, brutally honest, and real. I don't have to filter. And they still love and support me. This is a new place for me. I have never fully felt this before. I was not sure how to handle it, and I am still awestruck sometimes. But I am learning to lean into it. 

I am considering backing my meds down a step. We have over $600 in savings, despite a couple of major financial setbacks. Our home is beginning to feel more homey. And our plague group is safe and protected. 

At this time last year, I could not have imagined what 2020 was going to be like. It has been a roller coaster, with some of my lowest lows. But the highs have been so high, and are becoming so consistent, that I have never been in a better place, on so many levels. 

Many people have said, "Good riddance," to 2020 and will only look back thankful that it is over. I am grateful for 2020. It has been a catalyst for my one-eighty. I am blessed and actually looking forward to what 2021 may bring.

*giving appropriate adulation where due.