Trying...

I am not really sure where to start. I am not really sure how I feel. I have definitely, without a doubt, started a new chapter. I did not want this. I did my best to find another answer. I just could not do it anymore. I could not continue to fight against the one person who promised to fight with me and for me. 

I used to joke that I would never go through another divorce. My plan was to run Dan over with my pickup if things came to that. It has come to that and I don't have a truck anymore, so here we are. Right where I never thought I would be. I never imagined this ending for us. 

The reasons I had to leave are the exact opposites of the reasons I fell in love with Dan. He had my back. He supported me. He watched for ways to pick up slack. He fought for me to not let people take advantage of me. He fought me to not sacrifice myself to the point of harming myself to help someone else. He was a buffer for me when I was too close to a situation and argued with me not to take on other people's problems as my own. When I would sponge up other people's emotions, he helped me wring out the overwhelming flood.

For years, I have been telling people that if you're in the right relationship, you don't have to look out for yourself all the time, because you should be looking out for each other. That's what we had. I never had to defend myself against Dan because he was always on my side. He always had my back. He was there to catch me when I fell, whether physically or emotionally.

I did my best to look out for him. When he couldn't remember details, I went with him to doctor's appointments and helped schedule things. I planned and he filled in the empty spaces. I worked full time while he stayed home with our two three-year-olds. We balanced each other. 

Somewhere, the balance started tipping. I don't know when it started. I guess I was the frog in the stew pot, not realizing the changes that were happening. More and more, I found myself picking up the slack for him. I didn't think anything of it, because that's how a relationship balances. Some days you do more work, some days they do more work. Instead of returning the favor, it was like I somehow trained him to just let me do it. I fell back into old patterns, knowing that if I did not do something, it would not get done. So, I just kept doing. For friends. For the kids. For Dan. Not for me. Never for me. 

Dan quit reminding me that not all the circuses were my circuses and that most of the monkeys were not my monkeys. I don't know if he was truly watching me run myself into the ground, or if he just quit paying attention. He has always been one to start out a new project all gangbusters and then fizzle out later. I guess it's an ADHD thing. He said that's what happened to our relationship. I guess I got boring and routine. After 20 years, I guess the new had worn off. I guess I am lucky to have lasted so long. 

When I was diagnosed with lymphedema 14 months ago now, I thought we were still on the same team and still wanted the same things. We were working together with Anne & DJ to get more exercise and eat better foods. Looking back, I realize he was never fully on that journey with me. He was just along for the ride. He would occasionally find a new meal, but I still had to calculate the nutritional value and put it in the cookbook. I did the meal planning. We went grocery shopping together until he started getting too tired to go with me.

I was always staying up too late to try to get all the things done that I needed to do to take care of myself. Seeing myself as the person I need to look after is hard. In 47 years, I haven't done that. Someone else's needs were always more important than mine. Someone else's needs were always more important than me.

In the past 14 months, two Cuties and this really humble guy have constantly reminded me that I have value. That I deserve to take care of myself, not just so I can take care of everyone else, but just for me. The more support I got from others, I guess the less Dan felt that need to support me. When my emotions were low and my will power was gone, he was never the one to push me to make the better choices, but he was there to encourage me to fall back into old habits that I thought were broken. 

More and more, Dan started backing out of our relationship, pushing me to others for support. More and more, he stepped down from the partnership, leaving me the one in the group project doing all the work so I still get a good grade in spite of a lack of teamwork. And more and more, I just let him. I kept trying to do more, be more, be better, be good enough to do all the things. 

As I began to see that I had let Dan take advantage of me in so many ways, because I wasn't looking for it, and because I didn't think I mattered enough to fight for myself, my foundation shook, hard. It's only been a couple of months since I lost my daddy, and instead of helping me get back on my feet and get back on track to take care of myself, Dan was dragging me back into old habits. I saw what was happening, but I was tired. I was worn out. I was emotionally drained. I didn't have the energy to fight for myself. And I didn't think I was worth it. And knowing that the person I needed to fight with was the one who used to defend me, crushed what little sense of self worth I was starting to find. 

There was no last straw. There wasn't an "ah-ha" moment. There was just weary resignation that I couldn't do this anymore. I was trying to put the pieces of me back together after Daddy died, but I felt like the pieces were getting moved, and the pieces that I thought were stable were breaking. Right now, I do not have the emotional strength to don armor, take to the battlements, and defend myself. Instead, I put on an old cloak and used the servant's entrance to leave the keep, believing myself unworthy to remain anyway. 

It has only been two days since I moved out. This is so hard. I am trying to remind myself that I really do deserve to be, if not loved, at least respected. The ups and downs and twists and turns of this newest rollercoaster are going so fast, it makes me want to puke. In my moments of strength, I am angry and want to retaliate. In moments of calm, I am happy and proud that I had the strength to take really big scary steps. In moments of sadness, I worry that even being used is better than being alone. In  moments of weakness, I judge myself for not being strong enough and letting everyone down. Just now, I am weary. I need sleep, but my brain is truly being an asshole tonight. 

I don't know what comes next. I barely know what is happening at this moment, and tomorrow is so far away. I am just trying to take that one next step, not knowing if I will be able to lift the other foot to take another. In almost every moment, someone is there to support me. So many other hands, besides the one who promised to be here, are lifting me. So bittersweet. I am trying to believe that I am worthy of this kind of support. I am trying to see in myself, a glimpse of a person with enough value to garner this kind of nurture and support. But knowing that after twenty years, I am still not enough.... how do I get past that??

I just don't know yet. But I am trying.