The Dreaded Lull

I have reached that point that we all knew was coming. I have hit that low spot where I have lost my momentum. I can see how far I have come and that the changes I have made have been effective, but I have lost my focus and drive. I think it actually started in January after I got my A1c of 6.0. Going down by 0.9 points, right out of that diabetic range, was amazing! It felt so good! But it also told my brain that I could slack off a bit and everything would be ok. 

That was a lie. I don't get to slack off. Well, maybe a little bit, but not to the extent that I have slid down that hill. I know better. When you are pushing a boulder up a mountain, it is ok to slow down a bit. But you just can't stop. Once you stop, you don't just sit there. It's not the same inertia as when you're stuck in a hole. Gravity will kick in and you will begin to roll backwards. I tried to slack on my habits for a moment because it's a lot of work. Knowing that I have to maintain these habits FOREVER, is pretty daunting. I just wanted a break. So I took one. 

I can't tell you how my sodium and carbs have been these last couple months as I have not been tracking well. What I can tell you is that this past week, I have not gone for a walk. I can see it in my left ankle. It is swelling again. My right ankle might be a bit swelled too, but it is hard to tell. 

I feel like it is almost harder to re-start now that I've fallen off my habits than it was in the first place. Before, it was intimidating because I thought I knew how hard things would be. Now I know how hard it is to get these habits going, and how much harder it is to maintain them. It is so wearying. I also know exactly what will happen if I continue to slide and let this boulder gain momentum in the wrong direction.

In trying to jump start myself again, I wanted to review some of my accomplishments. We'll start with the basic, most measurable items:

    1. I have lost 56.5 pounds in six months. As of February 1st, I was under 300 pounds for the first time since August of 2014.

    2. My A1c has decreased from 6.9 to 6.0, which is outside of the diabetic range.

    3. I’ve had to order new bras and figure out my actual size as my band size has gone from 48” to 42”.

    4. I bought a pair of jeans that I love that are a size 24. The last pair I bought was a 26 and they were getting tight. I had to buy a belt so I don’t have to replace the 24’s too soon. 

There are several, less tangible victories that have helped boost me, including:

    5. Livi and I went to the grocery store and she asked, “You know what I like about going to the grocery store now?” I said that I did not. She said, “I like that I get to push the cart because you don’t need it to lean on anymore.” And then she gave me a high five. :)

    6. Livi loves the Antique Mall. Last year, Dan and I sat upstairs while Livi did her Christmas shopping. This year, we explored together. I found out that not only did I have to go to the basement and walk back up, there is an upstairs! (We’ve gone three or more times since Christmas).

    7. At work, sometimes I have to leave long phone messages and I used to have to pause for breath in the middle of a long sentence. Now, I can break in more natural places.

    8. "Fat girl pride - Tied on the Side!" is no longer a thing for me. I can wear shoes that tie and I can tie them myself. And I can tie them in the middle of the shoe and not on the outside. 

    9. I can use the normal bathroom stall without feeling so cramped. I used to have to use the handicapped stall so I felt like I could even get into it and turn around.

And then, there are the mental changes that I have noticed:

    10. I don't mind wrapping my legs in the morning. It has become a comfortable routine and I like the feel of the mild compression on my legs. I don't resent the time in the way that I used to, although it's still frustrating if I'm in a hurry.

    11. Seeing overweight people driving the electric carts around the grocery store or scooters around town, or around work, used to make me sad. I was always afraid that I was going to be one of those people. This thought process has evolved to the point that I don't feel like that is my destiny or fate anymore. It is a possible outcome, but not one that I am heading for.

All of these things are wonderful and should totally make me feel accomplished, powerful, and uplifted. Alas, they do not.

I feel like I have failed. I was doing well, but now I cannot motivate myself to hit it hard again, even knowing the consequences. My brain is a warzone in this confliction. I am also nervous about my doctor's appointment today and what my A1c will look like at this time. 

That is all. I will complete this post after I see my doctor.

**FOUR HOURS LATER**

Well, my appointment was interesting. I explained to my doctor my concerns about what my numbers will look like since I have been slacking off a bit. She said, "I'm going to be rude for a minute. Holy shit! You have lost almost 50 pounds since I met you! But that's not professional so I can't say that."

She made her point. I get it. But the weight on their scale is three pounds higher than what my weight on my scale was at the beginning of April. I realize that there is often a five pound discrepancy, but that could still mean I have barely lost anything this month, or have not lost at all. 

I know I have made great progress. But I also know that I have to keep working to keep making progress and I have been slipping, gradually more and more, since January. I was happy to see that my A1c only went up to 6.1 and has not backtracked further, but I was not happy to see even a 0.1 increase. In five days, I will be checking my weight. I'll see if that has changed. My weight loss has been slowing since January.

This slowdown is not bad, in and of itself, but I know what happens next. It starts as a slow down, then you stop for just a moment, before everything starts rolling downhill again. I don't want to go back there. I can't stand the idea of losing all my progress. So why is it so hard for me to do what I need to do when I know it works? What do I have to do to get my brain to play nice with me?

I was doing well at logging my food and exercise when we were all focusing on it and I was tracking how we were doing and our weekly goals. But nobody really cares about that stuff anymore so I am finding it difficult to see the point. I know I need to log, just for me, but I am the last person I go out of my way for. Dan is not logging or tracking his food in the same way anymore, so all the work I do on the recipes seems to be for just me now. Again, hard to bother with it when it seems it doesn't really matter anymore. 

On the logical side, I know I need to do this for me. I know I need to track so I can get healthier. I know I cannot continue to make progress if I am not aware of what I am eating. I know I have made progress, but I am nowhere near where I need to be yet. If I understand all that, why do I feel so stuck right now? I feel myself on the edge of that backwards slide that will take me back past where I started. It scares me. I don't want to know what comes after where I was. So why am I freezing? Why can I not use that fear to motivate myself to keep moving forward? What is wrong with me? Guess that is the million dollar question...