Things I Don't Suck At

As you may have read in my last post, Barb had "strongly suggested" that my next blog post should be about all of the things that I don't suck at. I honestly did not expect to have much of a list, but I agreed to give it a shot. 

I pride myself in my ability to view the world through the lens of other people's perspectives. I have been through enough different types of situations that I can relate to a lot. There are a few perspectives I just can't seem to get a grasp on because they are just too foreign to my way of thinking. One of the concepts I have always struggled with has been a third-party view of myself. My self image was so solidified, I was so sure I knew exactly who and what I was, that I had blinded myself to any other possibility. I had refused to even acknowledge there was  a different mirror through which to view myself. 

You see, hope scares me. If I know where I am, and I have accepted that, it might be a cruddy place to be, but it is my place. If I started looking around at other places, getting ideas of what other things were possible, I would start wishing I could move out of my place into something better. But then, something has always come along to knock me back down to my place, my box, where "I belonged." 

Thanks to my incredible people, my mirror was broken and what I thought was my box has been destroyed. I am learning to accept a new perspective. It still feels too good to be true. In trying to fully accept this new self image, I am having to let go of a lot of things I "knew" about myself. It is from the perspective of creating a new self image that I am now looking at what other people have told me they can see in me. As I attempt to view this information objectively, I will try to find and break down those vestiges of the old box that have held me down for so long. This way, I can, hopefully, create a more positive, and realistic image of myself. Wish me luck!

Barb says I am an amazing friend, a great mom, super smart, and freaking hilarious. She says I have to take care of myself, not just for me, but for her and the other people who love me. She says I have to stick around another 40 or 50 years. 

I have always known I was smart. I was a nerd - but not in a good way. So, I thought I had already accepted the fact that I learn things pretty easily and I can figure things out quickly and school was always easy. But I also know that it would get me picked on, so I have often tried to hide it. I have learned to sit in the back of the class, not to ask questions, and only answer questions when they have hung in the air with no response for at least 20-30 seconds. Recently, I have also realized that I have learned to distrust my intellect. Partly, that's depression talking. Depression teaches you that logic doesn't work and your intellect will fail you. When you've relied on that logic and intellect your whole life, this is a solid base for depression to knock out to leave you in a darker, deeper pit. Add to that, the debilitating lack of self confidence and the ever growing sense of self doubt, and you start losing faith in what you knew you were good at, without even seeing the deterioration. 

I believed that I still thought I was smart. I am just beginning to see all the holes that the depression has eaten away from what I have always seen as my core competencies. I AM smart. I DO learn quickly. I AM competent. My questions are valid and my answers have weight. Sit up tall. Shoulders straight. "I am good enough. I am smart enough. And doggone it, people like me!"

Ok. Moving on. I often feel my friends do far more for me than I could ever do for them, so I don't feel like I'm amazing at that. I don't think I'm a bad friend, I just never feel like I am meeting my own expectations of the kind of friend I should be. When someone does something nice for me, I tend to think, "I wish I could think of cool things like that to do for my friends. I wish I was able to see ways to help them and make life easier for them." I am so blessed that it is easy for me to see the myriad of things, both big and little, that my friends do for me. I struggle to see how these relationships are beneficial to my friends.

DJ says that I'm suffering from Imposter Syndrome. Because I know there are other people who are better than I am at something, I just assume I'm no good. Looking back to how I just talked about myself in comparison to my friends to determine I am not making the grade kind of backs him up on that. *sigh* I hate having to admit when he is right about stuff. 

As I have been told that I am awesome, or amazing, and being my friend a privilege, I have to reconsider my thoughts on the subject. I trust my friends. I have faith in them. I know they love me. I know they would never lie to me about something important. They are pretty smart, talented, and amazing people themselves. So, they probably know what they are talking about. I don't know how to see what they are seeing, but I will try. Until then, I guess I'll just have to trust them.

When it comes to being a mom, I know a lot of moms are hard on themselves. I think my mom is awesome and has taught me love and strength, but she is hard on herself because I'm a lousy housekeeper. I know she is a great mom. I know she has and will continue to love and support her kids in any way she can. I know she has sacrificed and endured and struggled, but never let us feel unwanted, or unloved. We always knew we were valued. I still do. I can see a little bit of that in myself. I have been through a lot of crap, and have done my best to shield my kids from the brunt of difficulties we were going through, or my own struggles. I have not always done well. It breaks my heart to think of all the ways I have let my kids down. But I have always done the best I could and I hope my kids have never and will never wonder if they are loved and valued. It's so hard not to question yourself as a parent. Every decision with your kids can be so important and what seems so small can become something that sticks with them for a very long time. I don't know if I am great, but I do my damndest to be there for my kids. I am proud of that, even if I am not always proud of how I have handled things. And my kids have grown into people I am proud of. I've been told kids are a sketchy investment. You spend time and money and effort and you struggle and you fight for them, and sometimes, things still don't turn out the way you had hoped. In spite of that, I have helped to raise some pretty awesome people, and I will take that as a win!

Now, Barb's last point about my hilarity, is pretty subjective. I mean, if you love a good dad joke, I'm your girl! And a groan is as good as a laugh in my book! I have my moments of brilliance, but for the most part, I think I'll still leave the comedy to Payton. 

Dan says I'm good at lots of things. He says I am "the smart one." He is impressed with my spread-sheeting talents. He enjoys my smiles and appreciates my peacekeeping between him and Olivia. 

As I've already gone over the smart part, I'll move on to spreadsheets. I am pretty good with them. I used to know Excel inside and out and I could do almost anything that didn't require actual coding, like visual basic. Now, I have switched over to Google Sheets, so I've had to learn different ways to do the same things. While I'm still not as good at Sheets as I used to be at Excel, I have to admit, I can still do a lot more with a spreadsheet than the average person understands how to do. When I want to do something different, I may have to do a little digging and research and then get creative in how I apply the knowledge, but I am pretty good at that, too. 

I hadn't really thought about being able to find the information I'm looking for online as a talent, but DJ seems to think it is. He pointed out that I am good at finding new recipes and the nutrition information to keep on track. This kind of fell into the imposter syndrome again, because even though other people are better than me, it's still something that is not always easy for other people. I just assume that since it's easy for me, it is easy for everyone and not a big deal. I don't give myself credit for things like that. But, how do I know how good other people are at things? I'm not sure how you can really get an accurate picture of something like that. 

I was actually pretty surprised that Dan appreciates my peacekeeping. He and Livi just seem set out to push each other's buttons some days. I know it's mostly because she's almost 14, and he's Dad. I mean, I didn't get along so great with my dad at her age either, but he was my rock growing up. I wouldn't trade that relationship for anything. And even when Livi and Dan are sniping at each other, they both know they are loved by the other. I'm just trying to smooth the edges. I honestly thought that it mostly annoyed Dan when I did it. I'm glad it doesn't.

Ur good at helping others improve, ur getting good at telling dad no, ur good at keeping urself away from the bad food🥰 - Olivia

I do enjoy helping people make progress, but again, I just don't see myself as being good at it, because I feel like I'm struggling so hard to make any progress myself. I don't see how I can be an example to others when I am barely moving forward. I have been told before, a few times, that I have inspired people. That has never made any sense to me. Who wants to aspire to be like me in any aspect, a broken little girl, looking for validation, yearning to be wanted, in a torn up cardboard box? Recognizing this image was deeply flawed, has allowed me to understand this a little better.

The question became, how do I inspire people to change? First, as DJ has noted, once I have accepted a path, I have determination. I may be slow, but I will keep making progress. Even if it takes a while, it will still get done. So I guess determination is one part of it. The second aspect of this is being brave. Heather said that I was strong and brave after I shared "Things I suck at." That was really scary for me. It made me sick to my stomach to think about being so vulnerable in such a public way. But, in showing strength, bravery, and determination, I was able to move past that fear. It was not easy, but I know I am not the only one struggling with these types of issues, and if my vulnerability can help someone else take a step forward, then I'll keep right on sharing. Even when it's scary. So maybe, it will be a little less scary for someone else. 

Livi is also right that I am getting better at telling Dan, "No." It is hard for me to do. I want him to be happy, and he makes the money too, so I am not comfortable telling him that he can't get what he wants. Also, he gets kind of put out when I tell him no. That worries me that he'll resent me. I have gotten to a point when I can say, well, you have this much money in your account if that's how you want to spend it. Then I'm just giving him the info so he can make his own decision rather than me making it for him. This helps me feel less "mom-ish" towards him and I realized that I was the one feeling resentment. We are definitely moving in a better direction. 

For the most part, Livi is also right that I'm doing pretty well at staying away from bad foods. There are still a few trouble items and situations that I'm struggling with. Most of the foods that will get me into trouble, I have been able to make it easier by finding yummy alternative recipes or new ways to cook something. Some things though, you just can't duplicate. Donuts are still an issue. Bacon is still sorely missed. I am doing really well in regards to most other foods though. I can still eat "bad" foods from time to time. I just have to plan for them and work to mitigate the negative consequences. And I am definitely getting better at that.

The other thing DJ mentioned is that I am getting better at holding Dan and Livi accountable to get things done around the house, and that I have been finding more efficient ways to get things done. Neither of those is something I would have thought of myself, but now that they have been mentioned, I can see it. I'm never going to be strict, but I am getting better. That's all because I am seeing things through a different lens now. I am seeing that A - I was not who and where I thought I was; B - change is an option, I am not confined to where I have been; C - I like things to be nicer and more organized so when they start to backslide, I want it corrected; and D - I do not have to pick up all the slack, I can ask for help, and my family will help me. 

 

Now, Livi has informed me that I have to pick some of my own things I don't suck at, I can't just go over the things other people tell me. 

I realize that a lot of the things that I do, I do because they are easy for me and I enjoy them. Because they are not difficult for me and I enjoy them, they must not be hard and everyone can do it. They are part of who I am, not things I do. This realization also creates a new perspective for me to see what I am good at, something I have NEVER been good at.

I love to sing. When my voice has been exercised regularly with more than just singing to the radio, I have a good voice. It's not amazing, but it is clear and strong. I know how to use it and I have been able to create some memorable experiences for the audience. It saddens me somewhat that I haven't really sung for so long. I miss the sound of my full voice.

I enjoy writing and I am good at it. I can write formally and professionally, or more casually. I know how to adjust my writing for the audience and I am good at expressing my thoughts and evoking emotions. 

I also love being an artist. It's kind of iffy as to whether or not I can call myself an artist anymore. I still want to be an artist. I have created a lot of work in high school that is hanging around in my parents house, and while I enjoy a lot of those pieces, I am not proud of them. I have a few drawings from college that I am proud of.

My Evolution of Family acrylic series is a work in progress that I am proud of.

My Sharpie drawings that I was creating because it was one of the few mediums I can afford to pursue were neat. Some of them were ok, but a couple of them made me really happy. 

Anxiety makes being an artist hard. I can't justify what it will cost to purchase the supplies I really want to work with. Here is a painting I started about two years ago. I like the idea in my head and what little I have done so far. But I don't want to start with the wrong paints and I can't afford the right paints, and I am scared that I will mess up what I like so far if I go further. This is not the only piece that has suffered from my anxiety, but it is the most blatant case.

One thing I have actually always loved about myself, although I have downplayed it to myself over the years, is the fact that I am creative and artistic, but I am logical and mathematical. I love that I can enjoy both sides of my brain in a way that not everyone can. 

I care about people. My people mean the world to me and they are what keep me going when I have run out of steam. They are my refuel and recharge. I do my best to love and support them all, the family I was born to, the one Dan and I have worked to create, and the ones we have adopted into our circle. I like to think that they all know who they are and that they all know they are loved and treasured. In the battle to keep their own inner demons at bay, I strive to be a light to help stave off the darkness. 

For a while, I had wondered if this mattered. I had questioned whether I was doing this because I really cared about people, or because it made me happy to help people and so was actually being done for my own selfish purposes. Yet another ridiculous idea that I had started to believe.  It became so easy for me to undermine myself, that I questioned even my best intentions and negated my own positive effect. This idea began eroding my ability to help other people which then made me question my own self worth even more. 

I became "generous to the point of stupidity" out of desperation to be wanted and obligation to take care of the world. I would sponge up other people's problem in such a way that I could not let go of them and they lingered with me even as I helped others let go of them and move past them. "Being good" became toxic. 

Dan has helped me with that a lot. He used to always remind me that certain issues were not my problem. Having kids helped me to realize that I can't spend my last ten bucks to help someone else if I don't have what I need to take care of my family. I still got put on the back burner, but I was trying to look out for everyone else. 

I am getting better. I can empathize and sympathize without trying to take on someone else's burdens. I can share a load without trying to take the full weight. I care about people. I do what I do because I love to see other people smile and help relieve their stress and make them feel valued. Just because I love the way it makes me feel to make other people feel good, does not negate or detract from the fact that I am making other people happy. 

Sharing a post about things I don't suck at kind of feels like vanity. I feel like I'm puffing myself up and bragging. I don't like that feeling. This feels like a weird post to share. I will, because that is what I do. I am working through things and if I am going through it, other people are, too. Hopefully, someone else will gain some perspective through my thoughts. I'm not sure I like talking about things I don't suck at. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I'm not sure how much this icky feeling comes from spending far too much time in the wrong box. I have a feeling this is a topic that I will have to revisit at least once again, if not more...