Things I suck at
There are a lot of changes I have made to take control of my health. So far, I am seeing good results. However, as much as I have accepted my new reality, there are still things I suck at. I am not giving up on them, but I am not really making headway either.
Both in the interest of being honest with myself as I journal my way through this, and to be open with other people struggling with some of these same issues, I am going to discuss those today. It can get real hard and heavy. Just know you're not alone.
There are a couple of things that have become inexplicably difficult due to depression. But most of the issues I am struggling with all revolve around one thing. Time. I resent the hell out of the time that these tasks are taking away from me. I know that my health issues are things I have brought upon myself, so maybe I resent myself. I don't know. I also know that a lot of people are in far worse shape than I am and have to dedicate a great deal more time to self care than I should. Even so, I cannot seem to get past this mental block. I am so frustrated by the feeling that no matter how much I am doing, I am not doing enough. There is more. There are more things I am supposed to do. There are more things I should do. I am always going to be late and waking up exhausted because there are more things to do.
I have gotten faster at meal planning, because we are building a digital cookbook full of low sodium and low carb options. I am not getting any faster at wrapping, but I do it religiously. In all honesty, I would not be as strict about it if everyone around me wasn't expecting me to do it and holding me accountable. The pumping is the same way. By the time I get set up, lay on the couch for an hour doing nothing while the machine pumps my legs, and then tear down and put everything away, I have spent at least an hour and a half. It's worse than the wrapping. No matter how tired I am or what else I have to do, I have to get it in. Sometimes, I set an alarm for my hour and fall asleep on the couch while I'm pumping so I can get up and go to bed. I shouldn't do that because I can't use my cpap that way, but I just feel so overburdened sometimes...
And these are the things I am good at! When we started, I was doing really well at tracking my foods, including the sodium counts. Now, I am scrambling at the end of the day to remember what I ate so I can get it on the spreadsheet. But that isn't doing me any good when the whole point is so that I can see where my sodium and carbs are, and to be able to make adjustments to the rest of my day as I go along to make sure I end up with the numbers I want.
I have been struggling to get my exercise in again, too. I was building up from the nothing I had been doing to being able to walk about three quarters of a mile at a time. These last couple weeks, I have barely been moving again. I know it doesn't take very long to lose what progress you make, but I'm getting so tired of all of this. I know it's a forever thing. I know I don't get wiggle room to do stupid stuff like slack off about my health anymore. But I'm weary. I know I have to do better. The less I work, the more issues are going to pile up. I know this. I already have proof of this...
One of the things Dana was adamant about when I was seeing her, was that I have to lotion my feet and legs EVERY night. I can't do it in the morning, because the lotion is bad for the wrap liners. I have to do it right before bed. I was doing a great job. I knew if I didn't do it one night, I would stop. That's how I roll. So, no matter how tired I was, I would still do my lotion. Until that one night I didn't. I was tired and decided to skip it. I mean, how bad would one night be? The next night, I felt my legs. Dana said the lotion was to keep my skin soft and supple. It still felt nice after one night. No big deal. So I skipped again. Then I realized it has been over a month since I have lotioned my legs. A couple nights ago, I discovered I had a small split in the skin next to my left pinkie toe, because the skin got too dry. Thanks to my carelessness, I became a diabetic with lymphedema and an open sore on my foot. Stupid.
Two other things Dana has told me to do, were to measure my legs once a week, and have Dan help me wrap my legs with a different kind of wraps at night, twice a week. Dan even went with me to my last couple sessions so that Dana could teach him what to do. It takes a while.
Two weeks ago, we measured my legs for the first time. That was 32 days after my last visit with Dana. It took us about half an hour. I learned what my measurements were, but I had no idea how they compared to Dana's last measurements. I didn't know if I was making progress, or just maintaining, or even losing ground. Because I didn't prioritize my time to do it. We bought a new measuring tape that's made for measuring your limbs. It wraps around and snugs up so it should be easier. But the first time we used it, we had to measure both ways to see how close they came out. We hoped it would be close and the new way would be more efficient. It was not. But now we have measured three Sundays in a row.
Wrapping at night has still not been done. I don't know when it will be. I can't do it until after I pump, and most nights I'm not pumping until Dan is already at work. This means he can't help me do the wraps and I don't know how to do them myself. Or how long it would take me. I am still trying to figure this one out. But it could take us an hour the first time. That's how long it took with Dana, so it may take even longer. *sigh*
The last thing I suck at does not make sense. It is completely illogical. I know this, but I still can't seem to work my brain around it. I am trying. I am sucking at it. But I am trying. Allow me to introduce you to my "Impossible Task."
I have a love/hate relationship with my hair. I love my hair when it's all curly and cute. It coils up into amazing curls and looks really awesome. It makes me feel great when I look in the mirror. I can't wash it every day, because that tends to dry it out and make it more frizzy, so I got into the habit of washing it once a week and finger brushing any tangles out to make sure I got through the week without becoming a giant, electrified, hairball.
And then the problems started. When my depression was at it's worst ever, life became torturous. Depression often kicks you when you're down. For me, one of the ways this happened was that my personal hygiene started slipping. I mean, when you believe you are an unnecessary burden on your partner, and that not only are you a rotten parent, but your children would grow up better without you around, it is really hard to convince yourself that you are worth taking care of. Why brush your teeth, your hair, or even shower, if you are quite literally a curse on your family?
After therapy and meds began, I was able to start rebuilding those habits. But over time, one thing became harder. I used to love the warmth and comfort of a nice long, shower. I relished the feel of the water when it first hit the top of my head and ran in rivulets down my face, washing away dirt and stress. But then things changed.
This is really hard to talk about, knowing that this is the first time anyone besides Dan or Olivia has heard of this. I know that some people will not understand and will judge me. If you do, please keep your thoughts to yourself, as you cannot judge me harder than I have been doing for the past several years. I share this in the the hopes that someone else reading it will understand, and will finally, for the very first time, realize they are not alone. I am sharing this to tell that someone that you are not a terrible person, you are not lazy, you are not worthless, you are just struggling - and that is NOT. YOUR. FAULT. There is a way to get through this. The way is different for each of us with impossible tasks, but the first step is ALWAYS to reach out and ask for help from someone you love, who loves you so much they will do whatever it takes to help you, especially when you do not feel that you deserve it.
I share this, knowing, that I have those people. I know that some will read this and judge me, and everyone else who "claims" to have an Impossible Task. I also know, that the people who matter, are going to see this. They are going to read it and try to understand what I am going through. They are going to read it, and they are going to continue to love me, judgement free. That is why I can share this. So thank you, you know who you are, and you are helping me in little ways every day that you don't even know. And maybe, you are helping me help someone else. I love you guys.
Back to the story... Taking a shower and washing my hair, gradually started becoming less enjoyable. I would notice how dirty the shower was getting, or how bad the water would stand due to hair in the drain. But mostly, I started freaking out about wet hair. Naturally thick and curly hair, when wet and loose, wraps around your fingers and hands. It clings. And it started to cause me to panic. It became so bad that taking a shower became my Impossible Task. I wanted to take a shower. I wanted to wash my hair and look nice. I wanted to be "normal." I just couldn't do it. At first, I would go two weeks, or three, when I would continue to shower but just not wash my hair. Then, even that became too much. I was overwhelmed. I was embarrassed. I was a horrible, disgusting person.
Weeks turned to months. Guilt built up and up, making the mountain higher and taller. And for no real reason. It didn't make any sense but I just couldn't get past it. I would buy new shower poofs, try to find new scents of shower gels, buy different shampoos, anything that might mix it up and make it easier. I don't know how long I finally went without a shower. It was longer than six months. Sure, I used body wipes and washrags to clean up, but still...
If you see me much, day to day, you might have noticed in the past few weeks, that my curls are back. I'm not always wearing a frizzed out pony tail. I wasn't even brushing my hair day to day. I would put it off. And the longer I put off brushing my hair and showering, the more loose hair there was, making the anxiety greater and greater to confront. Dan would try to be helpful and hint that I'd feel better if I took a shower, or that it would be easier to brush through my hair if it was clean. But his well-intentioned comments became barbed arrows slamming into my guilt and inflaming my self-loathing.
It was only a month ago that I finally broke down under the onslaught and told Livi and Dan what was going on inside my head. I knew they would be as ashamed and disgusted as I was. But there was not one ounce of judgement or disdain. They just loved me, like they always do.
Livi suggested that she could call me and we could talk on speaker phone. The first shower I took in a very long time, was only because my 13 year old daughter, loved me enough to support me and find a creative way to help me. She talked me through my shower. Asking me how I was doing, what step I was at in washing and conditioning, was I ok or should she send Dan in.
The last few weeks, Dan has kept me company in the bathroom while I have taken a shower. He has talked me through it, helping me peel the clinging layers of loose, wet, hair off of my hands after shampooing so I could condition. Then doing it again after conditioning. And again after my moisturizer. He has comforted me as I cried and hugged and praised me when I was done.
I am so blessed to be so supported. And I am still horrified with myself. I am trying to give myself the grace I would allow a friend and to support myself the way I try to support others. I still don't love me as much as everybody else. I am trying, and I am improving. But it is still hard.
There are so many things I suck at right now, but this one gets me the worst. I am getting through it. Today, there was not nearly as much loose hair as I have been taking care of my hair every day. Things went better. I hope that someday soon, it will seem silly to have Dan hang out in the bathroom while I take a shower. Right now though, it feels like a lifeline.
Just because I suck at a lot of things, does not mean that Eeka sucks. It just means that sometimes, things are harder for Eeka than they should be. Sometimes, this is based on bad decisions I have made in the past. Sometimes, it is not. Sometimes, it is just impossible.
If you struggle with an Impossible Task, check out the blog below, by Molly Backes, who coined the phrase. And then, ask for help. Even if you don't believe me, you are worth it and people love you and WANT to help you, they just don't know how.
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