My One-Eighty

After my last blog post, "Things I Suck At," Barb informed me that my next blog post should be about things I am good at. So, I started with a few things people have told me that I'm good at, and tried to see those things from outside of my own frame of reference. This was far more difficult than I expected and I quickly became derailed. Now, I will tell you all about my existential crisis that started when I tried to see Dan's perspective and then he and DJ broke my self image.  Dan said he loves my smiles. When I tried to see that from his perspective, I just couldn't. I don't smile at myself in the mirror and I hate selfies, because my smile hurts me. I didn't even realize just how much until I started talking to Dan about it. When I was seventeen, I had a really bad car wreck. It was a very washboard-y gravel road, I had a tiny, lightweight, little Datsun 210, and I was crying. It made for a catastrophic combination.  I don't actually remember much...

There are a lot of changes I have made to take control of my health. So far, I am seeing good results. However, as much as I have accepted my new reality, there are still things I suck at. I am not giving up on them, but I am not really making headway either.  Both in the interest of being honest with myself as I journal my way through this, and to be open with other people struggling with some of these same issues, I am going to discuss those today. It can get real hard and heavy. Just know you're not alone.  There are a couple of things that have become inexplicably difficult due to depression. But most of the issues I am struggling with all revolve around one thing. Time. I resent the hell out of the time that these tasks are taking away from me. I know that my health issues are things I have brought upon myself, so maybe I resent myself. I don't know. I also know that a lot of people are in far worse shape than I am and have to dedicate a great deal more time to self care ...

I woke up this morning around 8:30. I was sleeping alone on a hide-a-bed in someone else's home. It is one of my two other homes I can still go to in this pandemic. Anne, DJ, Barb, Dave, Dan and I consider ourselves a "plague group." We are a small circle who are all diligent in our social distancing and rarely socialize outside the group. If we do the latter, we wait 10-14 days before rejoining the plague group. There are many, many, MANY phone calls during isolation and remote board games to maintain our connection.  Outside, it is snowing.  The flakes are coming down and starting to cover the yellowed grass. I would love to have a cup of coffee, but I gave up caffeine in 2020 for health reasons. It is grey outside, but pretty. The house is cold and makes me glad of my soft, fuzzy slippers.  I meandered out to the living room to snuggle up on the couch with my Dan. Then I started writing my blog, to share with all of the wonderful people who follow my progress, especial...

 A lot of things have surprised me as I have struggled to move forward after my lymphedema diagnosis. There have been good surprises and bad ones. Whenever I have stumbled, Team Eeka has always been there to catch me. I am amazingly blessed in that.  I am sharing my story in hopes that it will help someone else going through similar struggles. Whether you are dealing with lymphedema, another life changing diagnosei, or just pushing towards healthier life choices, we need support. We are not built to be solo. We were created to bond and forge ahead together. 2020 has been an awfully hard year to connect with people. Extended isolation can be a scary thing. Make sure you are reaching out if you are needing help and support. Those around you may not know how to help until you ask.  Today, I wanted to talk about a beast that I have fought repeatedly, that I have lost to, time and again, and how it has reared it's ugly head once more. The big difference this time, is that I ha...

It's been a long time, but it hasn't been long at all. In just a few of months, my old life seems so far away. There are still things I miss and things that frustrate me, but things are getting easier. It's hard to believe that one diagnosis, one single word, would be the catalyst for such a change. I don't feel like I turned over a new leaf. It's more like I'm on a whole new tree. Today is my last day with Dana, my Certified Lymphedema Therapist (CLT), who has helped me learn how to take care of myself and my lymphedema. It is a bittersweet day. Meeting Dana was not the beginning of my story, but it was definitely the beginning of my turnaround. September 21, 2020 is my oldest daughter's birthday, but it was the day my world completely shifted. Dana has given me bad news, good news, education, guidance, and miles of support. I'm going to miss seeing her every week. But I was not happy to be with her that day... Let's go back to the beginning. Back i...