My One-Eighty

So, work is great. I feel supported by managers and appreciated by my team. I am respected by my peers and my job gives plenty to do, things to learn, opportunities to be creative, and I'm damn good at it. In the professional aspect of my life, I am successful. But now I have to find a new balance. When my job was shit and I was completely miserable, it was draining but it was not a focus. I didn't have to work on it because it was a shit job, it had always been a shit job (even when I didn't know it yet), and it would always be a shit job. I just did the things and then I tried to forget about it for 15.5 hours when it would start over again. I focused on my health, my relationships, and even a little bit on me. Relationships top the list of my personal values and I doubt I will ever not be focused on them. My people mean the world to me. They rejuvinate me when I'm weary and worn. They lift and support me when I'm low. They share my joy in my victories. When I c

I've tried to write three or four times over the past few days, but I just couldn't find my rhythm. DJ asked if I had tried writing about good things. Seriously? It never occurred to me to write about good things. I write to process the things I am struggling with. So why should I write about good things? Well, because I struggle to process good things, too. When bad things happen and I'm struggling to cope with them, I have no trouble acknowledging that things are not going well or accepting that I fucked up. I expect things to go that way.  But when good things happen, I tend to dismiss them as luck. And while I try to enjoy them in the moment, in the back of my mind, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When anything goes wrong, I immediately accept the blame. I must have fucked something up. Enough people have gaslit me to the point that I fully understood not only was I to blame, I deserved any negative consequences that followed.  Being surrounded by a diff