My One-Eighty

After my last blog post, "Things I Suck At," Barb informed me that my next blog post should be about things I am good at. So, I started with a few things people have told me that I'm good at, and tried to see those things from outside of my own frame of reference. This was far more difficult than I expected and I quickly became derailed. Now, I will tell you all about my existential crisis that started when I tried to see Dan's perspective and then he and DJ broke my self image.  Dan said he loves my smiles. When I tried to see that from his perspective, I just couldn't. I don't smile at myself in the mirror and I hate selfies, because my smile hurts me. I didn't even realize just how much until I started talking to Dan about it. When I was seventeen, I had a really bad car wreck. It was a very washboard-y gravel road, I had a tiny, lightweight, little Datsun 210, and I was crying. It made for a catastrophic combination.  I don't actually remember much

There are a lot of changes I have made to take control of my health. So far, I am seeing good results. However, as much as I have accepted my new reality, there are still things I suck at. I am not giving up on them, but I am not really making headway either.  Both in the interest of being honest with myself as I journal my way through this, and to be open with other people struggling with some of these same issues, I am going to discuss those today. It can get real hard and heavy. Just know you're not alone.  There are a couple of things that have become inexplicably difficult due to depression. But most of the issues I am struggling with all revolve around one thing. Time. I resent the hell out of the time that these tasks are taking away from me. I know that my health issues are things I have brought upon myself, so maybe I resent myself. I don't know. I also know that a lot of people are in far worse shape than I am and have to dedicate a great deal more time to self care t

I woke up this morning around 8:30. I was sleeping alone on a hide-a-bed in someone else's home. It is one of my two other homes I can still go to in this pandemic. Anne, DJ, Barb, Dave, Dan and I consider ourselves a "plague group." We are a small circle who are all diligent in our social distancing and rarely socialize outside the group. If we do the latter, we wait 10-14 days before rejoining the plague group. There are many, many, MANY phone calls during isolation and remote board games to maintain our connection.  Outside, it is snowing.  The flakes are coming down and starting to cover the yellowed grass. I would love to have a cup of coffee, but I gave up caffeine in 2020 for health reasons. It is grey outside, but pretty. The house is cold and makes me glad of my soft, fuzzy slippers.  I meandered out to the living room to snuggle up on the couch with my Dan. Then I started writing my blog, to share with all of the wonderful people who follow my progress, especial