My One-Eighty

I am viewing the world through a thick veil or fog. Maybe more of a smog. It makes it hard to see, but it can also choke me at times. It is hard to see happiness through it. I cannot take a deep breath, both for the toxicity in the air around me and the, once again, chronic back pain caused by the constant level of stress. Shallow breathing makes it hard to laugh. My eyes sting from the acrid smoke and tear up with little provocation. I cannot tell if I am moving forward or walking in circles. I cannot see if this cloud is little or gigantic. I don't know if it is stationary and I can walk out of it if I could find my way, or if it is clinging to me in such a way that I cannot escape it. Tiny little things that used to annoy me now weigh me down so heavily that it is almost physical. I have to consciously fight their grappling to avoid falling into the pit they are trying to drag me into. I am trying to evaluate the causes of this toxicity so that I can resolve it. There is the con

It's been a month since Daddy died. Well, that's not quite right. It's been a month since Daddy's lungs gave out and his body ceased to function. In all honesty, most of the man who helped make me who I am had been eroded away already. There were barely glimmers anymore of the man he was.  The summer of 2019, Daddy was diagnosed with dementia. What had started as a little memory loss, when the man who knew everybody's name had to start asking Momma what someone's name was, became so much worse, so fast. By Thanksgiving, he got lost on the way to the restroom in a house he'd been to hundreds of times.  The man who had never met a stranger started to freak out when he couldn't find Momma among the sea of unfamiliar faces consisting of family and friends he had known for decades. It was sad and scary. But on January 6th, 2020, reality truly hit me for the first time. Our car needed repairs. The mechanic said it would be $600 and he could fix it. He also sai

Yeah, this was not the next blog I expected to be writing. This was supposed to be the blog about how well I have done in the past year, where I started, where I am now, and where I want to be in the future. That kind of thinking is still a little bit beyond my capabilities right now, and if you've ever suffered the loss of a parent, or anyone as close to you, then I'm sure you understand.  My daddy died three weeks ago. September 15, 2021. It was a Wednesday. Momma called me at 6:58am. I did not have a good feeling when I saw Momma on my caller ID. Daddy had just been put on hospice on Monday. The doctor said he could last two hours, or two months. They started him on a morphine drip on Tuesday.  I was going on my morning walk and Ash was with me. I called Olivia, Payton, and my older sister, Angie. Momma had called my sister, Shay-Shay, and Shay-Shay called our sister, Jesi, and our baby brother, Mooglie. I'm not sure who called our brother, Scott, or our nieces. It was t